The Greatest Worst Day of My Life

Lately with the big decisions Sexy Beast and I are making, another baby has been crossing my mind. Am I ready for another Spaz or Spazzet to run under my legs when Im carrying baskets, tug at my pants when Im cooking, throw all my laundry when Im trying to fold, insist on watching Toy Story over and over again? Most times I say maybe it wont be that bad- Then God bitch slaps me with the flu and a rage of monthly hormones all at once to remind me what a joy pregnancy was for me. Next time I might have that on top of the tantrums and deployments. Even through that I still think- Hell I can do this! I did it not that long ago and I survived Sexy Beast survived-- balls intact... But what about AFTER pregnancy. Am I forgetting birth?! More importantly, am I forgetting LABOR?!! Now, some of my friends and family are pregnant right now so do not fear my dears. I insist that labor and delivery is NOT like you see on TV. And when they tell you that your soul somehow blocks all the bad stuff out afterwards- they are correct. For around 2 weeks I would shiver and get sick just thinking about my labor and delivery experiance. But ask me now and it really wasnt that bad. Ask Sexy Beast and he will may tell you a different story.

I know everyone has a different experience, but my friends who are near the end ask me what was it exactly like for me? What is real and what is TV? Well, my dear friends, Ill tell you the good, the bad, and the disgusting when I gave birth to Spaz.

Let me note here that if you dont want a possible TMI- Dont read. Im an open book. You have been warned for this and future blogs. 

When you have a baby in a hospital, especially if you are having one in an Army hospital, they will insist that you take a labor and delivery class to prepare you and your willing spouse/sister/best friend for this painful miraculous adventure called birth.  In this class, the instructor showed us a handful of outdated birthing videos from before my mother gave birth and grooming was apparently not trendy. (dont watch one from a doctors view- thats just cruel) After listening to the horrific screams and moans that ironically sound alot like how she got pregnant in the first place, a woman pulled her newborn baby out and cried as she help her screaming pink ball of skin. *did you know that some women claim to have orgasms during labor? Id like to meet these women and ask what kind of trip they were on. Either that or they have a very unorthodox sex life. 

"That doesnt seem so bad... look she has a cute baby now"

They also informed me that first time mothers should expect a long labor and pushing time (up to two hours... TWO HOURS), to go passed her due date, have a larger size baby, and its actually very rare for her water to break at home.

"Its not like the movie where the woman's water breaks and she screams in pain all the way to the hospital, then rushed into a room and out comes a baby"   Unless you married into a Murphy's Law family like I did.

My labor and delivery was everything out of the norm. At my 37 week appointment, the doctor had told me that I was 1cm dilated but not to be alarmed because most women will sit at 1cm for weeks and never even know. What?! How is this normal? How can we be "open" and not have this thing fall out?! I sneeze and end up pissing my pants but I can hold in an 8lb kid when taking the morning toilet retreat!? But just like she said, my 39 week appointment came rolling around the corning and I was now almost 2 cm. She said we could sweep my membranes which could help induce labor but only if Im already in labor (you must already be dilated). Now ladies, unless you are at your due date or you have already started early labor, I do not advise inducing unless for medical reason. Not only is it dangerous to your baby but also dangerous to you as well. So step lightly please.

She swept my membranes for the second time at 39 weeks and after a little bleeding and cramping- nothing. So I went to bed. The next morning Sexy Beast skipped off the work and I tried to sleep in since I was up all night with a back ache... oh dearest Dani, if only you knew. I texted the Beast after breakfast and said I felt funny and my back was killing. I threw in a few bombs but we shall leave those out. His squad leader said he better get me off to the hospital. Lucky for us, we lived not even 2 minutes from there. Now when you think you are in labor- they usually like you to call. But I didnt. Instead I rang the little door bell and told them ..

"I think Im in labor, but I dont know.."   This was close to the nurse's reply...

"You're talking, walking, and you dont have your husbands genitals in a bag. I dont think you are in labor. But lets check you anyways."

Then I met the triage nurse who was a delight. You would've thought this chick was in labor with her bedside manner. She told me I was 3 cm and not in active labor so she doesnt expect to see me until after the weekend. Damn.... Oh well. Off to work the Beast went and I back to my apartment to watch Analyze This and Analyze That. PIECE OF ADVICE: Watch funny movies when in labor. Helps SO much to laugh. When they say laughter is the greatest medicine, It is. At first. I kept feeling these weird cramps that went from the bottom of my pelvis to the top of my bell button, peak, and then go back down. So I started timing them starting from the time they start to the time they stop and then again. If you have an Iphone- an app with be your best friend or go to TheBump.com and they have a contraction counter. AMAZING. As soon as Sexy Beast came home they were 5 minutes apart. I still felt pretty good. I thought this was suppose to hurt?! Oh dear Dani... if only you knew. I thought its time to walk and bounce so off to the gym we went. Everyone stared at me on the treadmill like I was about to explode and candy was going to come out. After the pain was getting worse, I told Beast it was time to go home so the skinny bitches will stop staring at me like something to eat. Remember how the instructor said to expect to go passed your due date AND your water wont break? Thank you Kalk family for the luck because at 39 weeks that night, my apartment turned into a water park. I ran to the bathroom screaming and the Beast asked if I just peed my pants. But as soon as I said no my water broke, his laughter turned into panic. Grab the bags! Grab the carseat! Call the nurse! Why in Gods name isnt my dad answering his phone?! I even called my aunt in WASHINGTON to contact him and to call me back because I was going into labor. My mother wasnt answering since she was at work... Where is everyone??. PIECE OF ADVICE: When you call the hospital to tell them your water broke and you are on your way, the nurse will ask you what color your water was, the smell, the time, and how much. This is to find out if your baby is in stress- or you just have a creepy nurse. After the water gates open, you have around 24 hours to deliver or your chance of infection starts to creep up.

This time at the door bell all I could say was "Just called. Water Broke!"... I couldnt talk, I couldnt walk, and Beast was on my hit list. When they checked me this time I was just about at 7cm. They told me great job for laboring so long at home and asked me if I wanted an epidural. Maybe some of you want to do it all natural. Good for you. Not me. But when they told me I might not be able to because I was at 7cm (the point in which there is no return) I broke into tears. I was so scared. This was happening so fast. I no longer wanted to do this... start the car, Beast, we are going home. They needed to just sew me up or smoke him out.

Once they got me into a room I was just about 8cm... EPIDURAL. If the hospital allows it, PEICE OF ADVICE: PRE REGISTER. Do you want to answer questions like: What is your occupation? What race are you? What is your insurance? all while trying not to break the railing off the bed? No.. So pre register and get that crap out of the way. Keep in mind they still ask questions while you are in labor... and it seems like it doesnt end. But be kind to your nurses. They are the ones who will or will not be calling for the drugs to hurry up. One of the questions is rate your pain according to this scale:

And it should look more like this:

 Luckily they allowed me to have half a regular dose of epi. Awww... It was like I had 5 cocktails before dinner. I couldnt feel anything. I kept saying to the Beast- I think I peed... but it was just water. Then the pressure starts. I would say "my god I have to go take a crap!" No thats just the babies head... pleasant, I know. FINALLY. The pushing. Now preggos- I promise you. Pushing doesnt hurt. Its like you FINALLY get to relieve yourself after eating authentic mexican food and sitting in the car for 5 hours with your future in-laws. The heavens were singing. I kept saying,

"is the doctor hear yet?! Is he crowning?! Im too tired! Beast go sit down before you puke!" 

I dont know who had a worse time, me or him. 

He looked like he saw a ghost. Uh No, he just saw what he describes as filleted chicken. So men, if you dont want to be scarred, maybe dont watch... FINALLY Spaz was almost here... One. More.Push. I let out a scream and the doctor says "Shhh. no screaming" If I wasnt in such a vulnerable position, I wouldve punched him. Dont scream... In the words of Jeff Foxworthy- Id like to see him push something the size of a St. Bernard out of something the size of a cat door and keep silent. When Spaz was out, I remember everyone saying- Oh my god, he's so small! (he was predicted just hours earlier to be over 8lbs) I snapped back- "You better check for two then"  He let out a tiny squeek but after hearing his dads voice Spaz went silent. The Beast said Spaz just stared at him for what seemed like forever. The doctor told him not to talk so he could get him to cry and clear his lungs.

"Cry baby... You have to cry"... its all I could hear the doctor whisper. 

I couldnt breath. What was maybe 10 seconds felt like 2 hours. WHY ISNT HE CRYING?! So the doctor gave him a little pinch- literally- and finally the sirens. The only time you will ever enjoy that scream.

At 2:42AM July 30th 2011, Spaz was born 6lbs 12oz and 19in. Tiny baby boy. Even after all that, I keep thinking- I could do it again... But when? That, folks, is something you will just have to wait and find out about.






Sexy Beast's take on my labor and delivery: Long, Smelly, Hell