My Baby is an Alien

Today I had an ultrasound for my first the trimester tests. The hospital was gorgeous, they had the Today show on the TV, and there was valet parking... But my ultrasound tech drove me INSANE! I didnt start the whole process out very smoothly either. I almost dropped my pants thinking I wasn't big enough for the belly wand yet. I was corrected promptly.... He wouldn't stop talking about his million dollar homes and how my generation is "udderly screwed" because of our educational debt. After listening to him talk for 30 minutes about how my generation hopeless, all I could think was shut up. I just want to see my baby. I came here for you to put the ice cold gel on my belly (which you lied and said it was warmed up so you already lost my trust) swipe around your magic wand- particularly pushing on my bladder- and tell me how beautiful my alien baby is. But I politely nodded along as he talked about growing up on a texas farm, why his grass is greener than the neighbors, literally, and his ex wife (who in my opinion stayed on the farm in Texas to keep away from his inspirational speeches)

Parasite Update: She (my prediction) is growing a week ahead of schedule. She measures almost 13 weeks, and looks like me I think- If I were an alien from Pluto. We had to wait a couple minutes for her to settle down and stop flipping around. She was probably sick of him talking about his green grass too. Now that I think about- I wonder what kind of grass he was talking about..... This is Colorado after all.

I also learned that Colorado doesnt have the same humor as me. Im too much of a smart ass for my own good. I was already uncomfortable from my pants debacle, that when the doctor came in to explain my results from the ultrasound and said "looks like baby has two arms and two legs" I replied, "Oh THANK GOD"... No one found humor in that. Where is my husband that laughs inappropriately when I need him

Its ok. I think she looks a bit creepy, too. I just made sure there were no hooves. When the tech switched over the 3D and showed me this I exclaimed, "Oh God its an alien"... not even a smirk. I thought it was hilarious. 

Week 11

How far along? 11 weeks

Total weight gain: No weight yet. Lost 5 lbs actually. See my 6 pack? No? Its turned into a Keg
Maternity clothes? No.. Its rare I wear any clothes. Come back to me in a month
Stretch marks? Just ones from Gabe
Sleep: Im trying not to blame my husband for no sleep. Im trying not to blame his snoring, or twitching, or moving, or groaning, or breathing. Its just my uncomfortable stage. Right?
Best moment this week: The day I only puked once! And when I got my computer- Thanks hubby
Miss Anything? Not having to vomit every 5 seconds.
Movement: I thought so... but its too early. So its just gas. Lovely. 
Food cravings: Everything in human sight. But pizza and Peanut M&Ms and Starbucks Strawberries & Creme are on the top of the list. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Ick. I cant even be in the kitchen when Beast eats.
Gender: We are hoping a girl but we should know in a few weeks. 
Symptoms: Let see... nausea... nausea... sore hips... ligament pain... nausea... consistant hunger... and nausea
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I am fine. But ask Beast and its a much MUCH different story. I'll admit. Im more irritated lately than anything. 

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender! Then I can paint that dang room. And Christmas. It brings food. And presents... 

Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar.