Super Moms Suck

Pinterest is one of my biggest addictions.

At least its not crack, right? As a military wife, I know that my dreams of being a home owner are far ahead of me, so the best thing right now is to conger up ideas on how to recreate my dream home into "renter friendly" ways. As I scroll through hours of eye-candy-for-a-housewife (I swear I actually do productive crap everyday other than Pin) I come across things like- How to make your baby's food for a year and potty train them before their 1st birthday. How to pump enough milk to have a refrigerator stacked full of milk and never feel like a constant milk machine. How to bake an apple pie from scratch while holding your screaming teething child. How to build your child's bunk bed from scratch. Or how to get that six pack back after your 5th child.

I cant help but think- HOW do these moms do it all? Have you ever seen the movie "I don't know how she does it" with Sarah Jessica Parker? First off, GREAT movie for moms. Dads, its not the movie you are thinking it is going to be. Sorry. Anyways, this women is a career women with a large corporate company who attends her children's parent teacher conferences and bakes for the school bake off. The women who pin these things and actually do them while continually smiling suck. Super moms suck. Don't get me wrong, thats great you can juggle it all. You can work 40 hours a week, make homemade meals that are good for you and the kids LOVE; you can shower your husband with love and affection every night so he doesn't feel neglected; you can bake apple pies from scratch and keep that six pack; all while never neglecting any chore around the house. But you make all the rest of us "normal" parents feel like plankton in the sea of parenthood. While you're out there kicking baby ass (don't fret- not literally) and taking names, Im just trying to keep my child alive and not get social services to knock on my door. So far my Spaz has sliced his hand open, shut himself in the closet AND pantry, and has managed to get his dad to say to me today "I saved our sons life today"- words every mother LOVES to hear. I even let him sleep with his head in his blankets and 5 teddy bears in his crib.

 So I found a book just for us unsuper moms:

I saw this on pinterest and laughed so hard at its irony. Hasn't everyone at one point or another in parenthood felt like shitty parents? When Spaz was 2 weeks old, my mother in law came to Fort Stewart while Sexy Beast was in the field training. She stayed with Spaz and I for about a week and would sleep in the room with me (on a separate bed- lets not be creepy) so that she could get up and help with the baby if needed. I was nursing and as close as one can be with their mother in law, I was not about to throw my engorged boobs out there for her gasp over. So when he wanted to nurse, I didn't turn the bedroom light on and would just use my phone as a little night light. While trying to adjust him holding my phone over so I could see, I dropped the phone on my poor little nuggets head! Now, okay, it was a little flip phone and he didn't cry, I sure did! I felt awful! Maybe thats why he isn't talking yet.......... But this is to reassure others, especially first time moms- babies are parent proof. Don't go letting them stick your bobby pins in light sockets or bang their heads on the counter like a pickle jar, but don't follow them around with pillows incase they fall- thats helicopter parenting and I was one (more on that later). Its ok that you don't bake pies by scratch. Its okay that your job(s) has you away 75% of the time. Enjoy that 25%. Its ok that when baby naps, you paint your nails or catch up on Duck Dynasty. Its ok that on some of your time off, you want to go out with the girls. Hell, you deserve that time off when you can take it cause its okay to say PARENTING IS HARD WORK.


Your children are the most wonderful little creatures you will ever come into contact with- even if you get to meet an elephant face to face (you know who you are). Even if you get to squeeze a baby tiger without it eating your face, squeezing your little toddler with their chubby arms wrapped around you calling you mama or daddy is by far ten thousand times better. They will never hold a grudge until they become hormonal little assholes... They'll never pee on your carpet, unless you let them roam without a diaper... And I promise you that after children, you will never be the same because having a baby and keeping him alive this long has been by far the best thing I have ever done. And I married a pretty dang good lookin' man, folks.

So heres to you shitty parents! The ones who didn't breast feed for 5 years. Who don't make homemade pies every day, keep your house spotless and still find time to work on those abs while building your deck. Shitty parents, you're still doing great. You will continue to do great. And you're kids will look back and think "my parents were super parents"...

As a side note- you parents who really can do it all. Keep it up. You are a phenomenon that the world could use more of :)

**This post is dedicated to a special lady I know who tries to do it all while parenting as just one. You are a wonderful mom. You work really hard to give him the best and you are raising quite an amazing little man even though its hard to do it alone. Don't let the super moms get you down, he needs a sane mother.**