When I First Thought I Was Fat

Remember when you first started thinking you were fat? The high school days where your whole body could fit into one leg of your jeans now. Iv always had some sort of image or body issue since I could remember. My generous genes provided me with the opportunity to hit puberty early and develop must faster then my peers. And by early, I mean 12... When I should be playing dress up with my Barbies, I was instead learning the ins and outs of being a "woman". I was with my poor stepdad at the time who had no idea what to do so he dropped me off at my aunts. My uncle proceeded to tell me to grab some ice cream and yell at the dog. That day will forever be burned into my mind. Not to mention... it was my birthday.

So from then on I started to develop and look at myself differently. Iv always had a curvy body. My mom used to call my JLo due to my unusually large ass that could used as a shelf. Though I know she was joking, it still bothered me and I would look in the mirror, comparing myself to other girls my age. While other girls my age still looked like average 12 year old girls (aka Justin Beiber), I had a more mature body. I had gotten mistaken for a 16 year old many times. My mother's friends would ask me to run to the store and get them cigarettes, thinking I was 18 already. This was my poor father's worse nightmare.

Yes, if only I was as skinny as I was when I first thought I was fat. Now, two kids later, Im in the most uncomfortable body I have ever been in. Both pregnancies I gain 60 pounds..  I know what you're thinking.. DAMN girl! Did you eat your husband? I almost did. I remember bawling in the kitchen because I was so hungry but nothing was satisfying. I craved raw meat! I was sure my kid was either a tape worm or the Omen. Instead he was almost 8 pounds at 36 weeks.  When I found out I was pregnant with Ogre baby, I was in great shape. I was the smallest I had been since high school and felt fantastic. I couldn't walk by a mirror without winking and yelling out cat calls, "Hey Girl! How you doin'?" But being pregnant through the winter was NOT a good idea. Its not fair that I was knocked up though Halloween candy, Thanksgiving turkey, and Christmas pie. At 4 weeks post partum, I called my doctor asking if I could start running again. All I heard from the other end was laughter.

So as I waited the full 6 weeks to get the clear from the doctor, I avoided the mirror at all costs. I know that I just had a baby but I felt sad, aggravated, and depressed when I would look at myself. Who was this woman in the mirror? Who's body is that? I know I should be happy because there are so many out there who would give up their body over and over again because they so desperately want a child, and here I am, 24 years old with two healthy (one HUGE) babies. But I am human. I am a woman in todays world where gorgeous, unrealistic new moms are flashed on Entertainment Tonight every day. I have come to the conclusion- they are freaks of nature. No one really tells you about the fourth trimester of your pregnancy. The trimester where you have pushed out a baby, fluids, half your organs, and if you are real lucky, a little shit for good fortune. Yes, I should be grateful my body just carried yet another little miracle man. But I will admit it. I was not happy with who I was in the bathroom mirror. I felt ugly. I felt fat. I felt unattractive. I wanted to feel like I was the most beautiful woman for The Beast, but as much as he told me I was still gorgeous as ever, I didn't agree. As wives, we don't necessarily feel better when our husbands compliment us. How do we know they really mean it, and they just aren't trying to avoid being smothered in their sleep?

What felt like forever was finally up. I joined a gym, got some work out clothes that fit, got Ogre baby signed up for the gym daycare and was completely ready to sweat my ass off. I was on the treadmill, sweating, breathing like a horse, and thinking- "damn girl, you must have been going for an hour now".... it had been 10 mins. So I was a little out of shape. It didn't help that my uber in shape, skinny, gorgeous friend was working out next to. She was going on that elliptical like Luke Bryan was down the road with no security and a puppy in his arms with her name on it. After my first day back in the gym, I just laid on the floor in a pool of sweat. Breathing like a 400 pound man with asthma.. Thinking, "I better be skinny in the morning"

But I have to tell myself that it takes time. And that I will never get my high school body back. I have had two kids after all. Spaz managed to push out my hips during labor- being a drama queen and all he had to make a grand entrance to let me know he has arrived. A true mamas boy from the beginning. And Ogre baby had me eating cupcakes like is was my last meal for 36 weeks. Ontop of that, I have stripes on my body like a tiger goddess.. Thanks boys.

Pre Ogre Pregnancy

9 Months into Ogre Pregnancy

Post Ogre Pregnancy

Its been about 10 weeks since Ogre was born and Iv lost 30 lbs so far. I'm halfway there. Its been getting easier to look in the mirror and feel better about myself. My mood is up, which Spaz is thankful for, and I feel less likely to inhale 23 mini cupcakes (I say this as I eye down those frosted animal crackers Spaz has).

I will never give up on my yoga pants and sweatshirts BUT I am embracing jeans again, along with wine- but for much different reasons. The best part? I know longer have Spaz lifting up my shirt in public to poke at my belly and say. "Jiggle jiggle, mommy!"

He's a gentleman.