I Watch Too Much TV

A deady drug

I watch too much TV.. Actually I watch too much Netflix. Are you the type of person who ruins the movie because you take an educated guess at the beginning how its going to end? I am. And ask my husband- Im right 99% of the time. He hates it. When we start a movie, especially a crime movie, the first thing he says is- DONT GUESS THE KILLER. So the whole time I sit there with a smirk on my face and at the end I blurt out, I KNEW IT!You know that scene from The Heat, where she thinks she knows how to do a tracheotomy after watching it on Dr. Oz or whatever she was watching? If not CLICK THIS, this ego of mine has convinced me that watching these shows makes me capable of knowing what to do. And thats just dangerous.

CSI- New York
They have the greatest one liners at the beginning (you must read these in Mac Taylors voice), "These teens died from blunt force from rocks. Guess these kids...got stoned" "The cook was stabbed with a cork screwed. He got screwed..." "you killed your brother on a plane. Now your grounded"... Waiting for the one liners is half the fun. The other half is learning what to do if I ever come across a dead body. If I stumble upon a corpse- say on campus that was mauled by a mountain lion- don't judge, we were seriously warned at orientation- I'm going to end up being THIS guy:

Ill first tell everyone to back up and give this dead guy some breathing space. Then I'll grab my moby wrap from the trunk of my car and tape off the crime scene. Then I'll stare over the body and give my best one liner while taking my sunglasses off, "Here.. kitty, kitty". Next i'll put on my gloves from lab and use my tweezers from my makeup bag to pull off the cat hair evidence, which I will then stick in my zip lock bags that I keep my pretzels in (don't worry, I dumped those. Cant contaminate evidence). Once I use my blush and brush off finger prints- obviously from the student who let the giant kitty out on campus, Ill use the packing tape I keep in the car for the Beast care packages and remove the prints. That way when the police finally show up, I can hand them the stuff and say.. "Your welcome"  Cue theme music.

LOST
Then there is Lost. If my plane ever crashes on an island, I will stand up and say to my fellow survivors- "Do not panic my fellow men and women. I got this! I watch Netflix" First we will make huts out of the bamboo and giant leaves with the string we miraculously had on hand. Also we will pull a pile of drugs together. Because what Iv learned from Lost is people travel with a hella ton of drugs and someone will get shot. Or pregnant. Then I will get sticks and carve them into spears because Lost has taught me that spear fishing it easy. I will feed all! Fish for everyone! But when that polar bear shows up, we are dead. I can't take on a polar bear. Thats just unrealistic.

STALKED
This has taught me to be paranoid.