Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar.