Day 6

So we are on to day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This is a good tie between when Nate left for his first deployment and when I had Gabe. WHY WHEN YOU HAD  GABE? Baby Blues. Postpartum depression is a real thing and its something not alot women talk about. I knew about it before I had Gabe. A couple of my family members had a mild case of it and I have heard it can run in the family. But I personally think everyone experiences it one way or  another. Whether its just a little crying at night from exhaustion or full out not eating unhappiness, PPD is a serious thing. I did everything they told me to do. I breast fed Spaz right away after birth. They laid him on me when he came out. I slept when he slept (or at least tried. It doesnt help when you have every nurse around the block coming in to see the tiniest baby on the floor). I ate when I was hungry and kept up on my liquids. I showered and got dressed to help me feel good. But it was still there. I still felt this gut-renching emptiness at the pit of my stomache. I loved this baby so much but at the same time I felt so sad.

I cried alot at night when Beast was asleep and Spaz was screaming because he was so hungry. My obnoxious Dolly Partons probably scared the crap out of him. This was my theory. I wanted to nurse so bad but I was so exhausted. I never woke beast up because i felt like I was the only one who could do it right. I had to do it all. It didnt help that my weight wasnt melting off like everyone says. Breast feeding takes the baby weight off.... Ya, right... If it does then you better high five your mom for some great genes. Eventually the gut-tightening blues started to dissipate and I was feeling alot better. I look back now and still feel guilty for even having them. I keep telling myself it wasnt my fault. That my hormones were so screwed up. That the exhaustion, lack of food, weight issue, and not letting anyone help me was just getting the best of me.

Even though the blues disappeared, I still would get anxious when Spaz wasnt even in the same room as me. My mother-in-law came to visit when Spaz was 2 weeks old. She told me to get out of the house and run some errands. (pretty sure this was her sneaky way off getting some one on one time with this pink bundle of screams) He was pretty dang cute and tiny. I was only gone an hour but my heart was pumping. I felt sick and shaky. What was wrong with me?! Have any of you experienced this attachment issue? Im alot better now but even when my mom offers to take Spaz for a week, I get anxious and nervous. This will stop with the next, right??