Day 7

Ok so its more like day 15.. Id like to blame my 3 week headache. Or the moving. Or the Georgia weather. Or Snooki. But there's really no excuse. I have not kept up... at all... But I promise when you find out the surprise, you'll understand why I have been busy. Well, some of you will.

Day 7: What is your dream job and why.

My own reality TV show. Wouldnt that be just easy? I get paid to just... do nothing. I could get spray tans, have a huge ass, and date rich duece bags that we love to hate. Oh wait. Thats already covered by The Kardashians. As much as I want to hate them, I LOVE that show. Its my guilty pleasure. I admit it. For shame.

I have wanted to be so many things. A lawyer, a stunt car driver, a singer, a personal shopper, a pediatrician, and even a plastic surgeon- that was mainly because my mom really wanted a boob job. Who wouldnt want a free boob job?

But Id have to say my fantasy dream job would be an actress on a popular TV show. I think it would be alot of fun. Id want to play a sci-fi character or be on a good comedy sit com.. something like Supernatural or Rules of Engagement.

My realistic dream job: a midwife. I want to be there for women and men from preconception to babies two week check up. One day I want to actually delivery a baby. I was going to school while Beast was deployed. I was starting my pre-nursing classes. Its hard because I want to be a nurse in the L&D department but at the same time I want to be home with my babies while they are babies. I know that I should go to school now and do it while im young.. but then why do I have this ache inside when I think about not being home with them? I feel guilty though like Im letting society (aka my mother) down by not going to school for nursing. I do already have a degree you know. Its a 2 year in Human Resources. I want to work. I tried looking for a job in the area, but I have had no such luck so far. Maybe Im just ment to be at home with my kids until they are in school. What is more important? I like being a stay at home mom but then why do I feel guilty about it?

Aww... life. What a rush.

What is your dream job? What has stopped you from attaining them? I think Beast's dream job would be a professional baseball player... I wouldnt mind that uniform either on him. Just saying.

Day 6

So we are on to day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

This is a good tie between when Nate left for his first deployment and when I had Gabe. WHY WHEN YOU HAD  GABE? Baby Blues. Postpartum depression is a real thing and its something not alot women talk about. I knew about it before I had Gabe. A couple of my family members had a mild case of it and I have heard it can run in the family. But I personally think everyone experiences it one way or  another. Whether its just a little crying at night from exhaustion or full out not eating unhappiness, PPD is a serious thing. I did everything they told me to do. I breast fed Spaz right away after birth. They laid him on me when he came out. I slept when he slept (or at least tried. It doesnt help when you have every nurse around the block coming in to see the tiniest baby on the floor). I ate when I was hungry and kept up on my liquids. I showered and got dressed to help me feel good. But it was still there. I still felt this gut-renching emptiness at the pit of my stomache. I loved this baby so much but at the same time I felt so sad.

I cried alot at night when Beast was asleep and Spaz was screaming because he was so hungry. My obnoxious Dolly Partons probably scared the crap out of him. This was my theory. I wanted to nurse so bad but I was so exhausted. I never woke beast up because i felt like I was the only one who could do it right. I had to do it all. It didnt help that my weight wasnt melting off like everyone says. Breast feeding takes the baby weight off.... Ya, right... If it does then you better high five your mom for some great genes. Eventually the gut-tightening blues started to dissipate and I was feeling alot better. I look back now and still feel guilty for even having them. I keep telling myself it wasnt my fault. That my hormones were so screwed up. That the exhaustion, lack of food, weight issue, and not letting anyone help me was just getting the best of me.

Even though the blues disappeared, I still would get anxious when Spaz wasnt even in the same room as me. My mother-in-law came to visit when Spaz was 2 weeks old. She told me to get out of the house and run some errands. (pretty sure this was her sneaky way off getting some one on one time with this pink bundle of screams) He was pretty dang cute and tiny. I was only gone an hour but my heart was pumping. I felt sick and shaky. What was wrong with me?! Have any of you experienced this attachment issue? Im alot better now but even when my mom offers to take Spaz for a week, I get anxious and nervous. This will stop with the next, right??

Day 5

Ok.. So anyone who knows me, knows that my memory isnt worth shit.. Sorry for the pay-per-view channel language. I posted day 4 on the 26th and it is, what?, the 30th?! Easter eve?! Way to stay on top of things, Dani. No wonder I got knocked up one month into marriage. Oy.

So we will just pretend that I have been on schedule.
Day 5: What are 5 things that make you happiest right now. 

Aw this shall be fun. Less "damper dan" than the rest of the days.



Thing 1: Well this is just an obvious (well maybe not obvious to the beast since he's been on my spinal nerves lately) But thing 1 is definitely my boys. Its been hectic around here and it's causing little spaz to be a big spaz. But we have these miracle wonderful moments where he is calm and just wants to snuggle with mom and dad. Sexy Beast has been busy trying to process out of Fort Stewart. When I say process, its putting it mildley. The beast has been quite stressed with all the paperwork and gear cleaning. Sometimes it can carry over into the house and the tension rises. But he never forgets to hug me when he is home and kiss me goodnight. So I cant hate him. Maybe give him evil looks and smart ass comments. But no hate.

Thing 2: We move to Colorado Springs in less than a month. While it breaks my heart to think about being so far away from my mother and little brother that Iv lived with now for over a year, I know they will be ok. Well at least I hope so. Ill pray everyday for my mothers patience and for my little brother to not burn down the condo. You  may be laughing- but Im totally serious. Here's to good fire alarms in her place. Georgia can be beautiful but its never felt like a home to me. Thats partially my fault. I never really let myself warm up to it and make it a home. Thats something that is really important in a military family. You dont stay in one spot for very long. So, you better make a home where ever you are. The saying goes, "Home is where ever the boots are laying". Iv always liked Colorado and we have heard nothing but great things about the area. I love the snow. YES, I said it. After living in the south for this long, I have decided that I am an actual snow bunny. I will take it over the rising 100 degree humid summers here. So here's to a new start! And more day dreaming of my Colorado home. (plus it makes it 100 times better my really good friend, HK, is going to be arriving in the fall)


Thing 3: Writing in my blog. I know what your thinking- WHAT WRITING??! I know. Iv been slacking. Staying on schedule MAYBE shouldnt be in my resume. Though if Im getting paid for it, you know Im probably putting more effort into it. Is that bad? I do love to write. Especially about my chaotic life that has SO many great adventures coming towards it. Both scary and exciting. Please excuse me though. My mother just moved out of my house, my son is screaming and not talking so we are working on that, the Army has thrown up everywhere in my house (and we all know my OCD is screaming like a tortured SAW victim), and Im trying to pack our stuff slowly. Not to mention its Easter now.. Where did that come from?! I promise that I will write more and more interesting crap. Just wait til I crap open a bottle and talk about the brain of males. Did you know that theres a part of their brain that has never evolved from the caveman days? Its the part that controls what they see when they see a bathroom... more on that later.


Thing 4: Is it sad that I had to think about another thing that makes me happy these days?! Haha I think its more that my brain is drained rather than I dont have a fourth thing. Im sure Beast is praying this is true. Cooking and baking. I want to be the worlds best mom with the worlds greatest cupcakes.. and not gain a damn thing from eating them. Too much? Ok, Id like to master the art of baking and making a good meal. Iv been working on my cooking skills since I got married but it didnt really go into high gear 'til the beast was camping in Afghan land last year. When we first got married, I experimented with booze. Alot. I put wine into EVERYTHING. I cooked LOTS of pasta. And LOTS of banana bread. Well, we look back now and realize- it showed. Haha. We both love food and love homemade stuff so we have been working on finding recipes we love and making it less "guilty". One thing I wont mess with though- banana bread. Ill stick to my grandmas recipe. You do NOT mess with a recipe from grandma. She even makes her own flour. She puts me to shame. Sometimes I can cook great- but then my single lady worthless cooking skills kick in at times. I made chili once and burnt it. BURNT it. HOW do you burn chili? Talent. I also made zuccinni bread zuccinni mush once. Gross. I made mac'n'cheese for the bro a couple months back and well, forgot about it and by the time I got back to it, the water was gone. And the smoke alarm was going off. Lets see.. well if you ask Sexy Beast how my baking is, he would laugh and say 98.56% of my stuff tastes like pancakes. I have no idea how I manage it but it does. I tried making pretzels, buns, and bread- all tasting like salty nasty pancakes.. My great grandparents owned a bakery and were master bakers. So it would be real nice if that skill would kick in now please.


Thing 5: Well I know what thing 5 is.. But I cant say. You will have to find out later. For most of you, its not what you are thinking. That first thing that pops in your mind.. its not that. But its something great. And will eventually lead to that. That all made sense, you just dont know it did.

Fear Factor

It is Day 2 people..I have made it two days. Be very happy that I am even writing in this damn thing because I was hit by a bus then ran over by a train today. On top of that, I am helping my monster mother move into her condo... I am a great daughter. Gabe got me sick and now I got my little brother sick. We are having a competition- who can be more irritating and whiney. Im in the lead. Ill take it... its my only accomplishment today.

Day 2: Name 3 legitimate fears and how they have become fears.

So are they saying things like spiders and death by log truck are not fears?? Or fear that the boogie monster is going to grab my leg if its poking out of my blanket? Because those ARE fears.

Id say one fear is the dark. Yes, I know, Im 23 years old and scared of the dark. Go ahead and laugh but I will admit it. I have to either have the TV on or the hallway light on when Im falling asleep. I think its the fear of the "unknown" when its dark. Im the type that does like needs to be in control of 99% of things. And not being able to see what is going on really makes me uneasy. It's not necessarily the creepy crawlies in my closet (because I have a beast lying next to me to protect me. He has a normal body temp of 100 degrees so he is a hot box. I think they are too grossed out to get near his sweaty hotness- I dont blame them) and its not that I watch scary movies (like my mother likes to say), Its more I dont know what is going to happen. So maybe its a fear of not being in control? Or Im just crazy or its because my mother would turn my night light off if I didnt go to bed good and I would cry because I was so damn scared.... Thanks mom.
*You cant call yourself a good parent unless you've provided your child with enough issues for a full therapy session. 

Another fear I have is dieing during birth. When I was pregnant with Spaz, I saw a movie that depicted how more people are dieing in the hospital giving birth than at home. Then they continued to say one of the main reasons women die during birth is because they hemorrhage- wouldnt people hemorrhage more at home with no medical doctor, you ask? Dont get me started, it got me questioning it too... BUT LORD HAVE MERCY. I cried and said HELL NO I WONT GO. I told Sexy Beast I couldn't do it so he would have to somehow give birth for me. Then I told him if he let me die, I would haunt him for the rest of his life and would judge every parenting decision he made .. I was a sweet pregnant lady. Im still very scared of this. And even more I guess because of my biggest fear:

Losing my husband or child. Losing anyone I love would be terrible. But I have a sickening fear of losing Beast or Spaz. I never knew how much I could love someone until I held Spaz for the first time and saw Beast holding look into his eyes.

When Beast was deployed, I held it together pretty good. I never really cried. Even when he left, I felt sort of ... well nothing really. There was a ringing in my ears which I knew was from holding tears back. But I felt like I needed to keep it together- not only cause I dont like to show emotion in public but I needed to be strong for Spaz. He needed to feel that everything was okay and daddy was fine. Just like trying to explain a homecoming to someone who has no experiance with one, watching your loved one leave on a big white bus to who-knows-where is hard to explain. You dont really feel like they are going to somewhere very dangerous at first. That takes a bit to kick in. And if you are one of the lucky ones, you never do. You dont feel impending doom or loss. If you are me, you  just feel... numb. You feel a bit lost. A bit broken. Like a part of you is missing and you can physically feel it. I know some people broke down at that moment. I saw others holding crying women in pain. I didnt bring anyone with me except Spaz (and my little brother. He didnt have a babysitter). I didnt want my mother with me because I dont like showing that kind of raw emotion around her.
                 I looked around and everything was in slow motion. All I could really see was Spaz's face. He was only 7 months old at the time so his face was so innocent and unaware. He had no idea what was happening. All he was thinking was- Im hungry. Even then I didn't have much fear of losing Beast. It wasnt until I experienced my first black out that the numb turned to panic, pain, and fear. For those who are familiar with the military know that a Black Out is one of the worst things you can experiance. Hearing your door bell ring during one is even worse, but seeing the men in uniform when you open that door the ultimate pain.
                 I hadnt heard from Beast for an abnormal amount of time and when I talk to one of my friends she said that she hadnt heard from her soldier as well. I just knew what that meant. So I waited in the silence. The dark. The black. The door bell rang and it was only the UPS man dropping off a Creative Memories package for mom. I swear she got 213 of these while he was deployed. Thanks again mom. Thankful I heard back from Beast not too long after. Then came the email. The dreaded new message in my inbox from the company stating there was a casualty. It was just too close to home. I cried.     I cried for the wife that had to receive the flag. I cried for the children that wouldnt see their father on the field 8 months later. I cried for the mom who lost her son.
               I cant imagine losing a child but now that I even have one of my own- It makes the fear and pain worse. The thought makes me sick. But I have to remember its just a fear. I have alot of faith that Beast will make it home everytime and be his Sexy self because its not the end of the battle when he steps onto US soil. The battle just becomes a new one to conquer. I have faith that Spaz and my future little beasts will live successful lives. I have faith that they wont stick me in a creepy nursing home, but will instead build a lovely home for the Sexy Beast and I to keep eachother company when we become to old to wipe our own ass. Remember folks, when the kids are gone its just you and your coworker again. So dont forget to continue to build on that relationship. Always and Forever

Three fears. I have some little fears here and there that are dumb and I cant really explain. But I think these are pretty legit. Even the fear of the dark. Go ahead and deny it. But you know you make sure your feet are in the blanket at night....