Fear Factor

It is Day 2 people..I have made it two days. Be very happy that I am even writing in this damn thing because I was hit by a bus then ran over by a train today. On top of that, I am helping my monster mother move into her condo... I am a great daughter. Gabe got me sick and now I got my little brother sick. We are having a competition- who can be more irritating and whiney. Im in the lead. Ill take it... its my only accomplishment today.

Day 2: Name 3 legitimate fears and how they have become fears.

So are they saying things like spiders and death by log truck are not fears?? Or fear that the boogie monster is going to grab my leg if its poking out of my blanket? Because those ARE fears.

Id say one fear is the dark. Yes, I know, Im 23 years old and scared of the dark. Go ahead and laugh but I will admit it. I have to either have the TV on or the hallway light on when Im falling asleep. I think its the fear of the "unknown" when its dark. Im the type that does like needs to be in control of 99% of things. And not being able to see what is going on really makes me uneasy. It's not necessarily the creepy crawlies in my closet (because I have a beast lying next to me to protect me. He has a normal body temp of 100 degrees so he is a hot box. I think they are too grossed out to get near his sweaty hotness- I dont blame them) and its not that I watch scary movies (like my mother likes to say), Its more I dont know what is going to happen. So maybe its a fear of not being in control? Or Im just crazy or its because my mother would turn my night light off if I didnt go to bed good and I would cry because I was so damn scared.... Thanks mom.
*You cant call yourself a good parent unless you've provided your child with enough issues for a full therapy session. 

Another fear I have is dieing during birth. When I was pregnant with Spaz, I saw a movie that depicted how more people are dieing in the hospital giving birth than at home. Then they continued to say one of the main reasons women die during birth is because they hemorrhage- wouldnt people hemorrhage more at home with no medical doctor, you ask? Dont get me started, it got me questioning it too... BUT LORD HAVE MERCY. I cried and said HELL NO I WONT GO. I told Sexy Beast I couldn't do it so he would have to somehow give birth for me. Then I told him if he let me die, I would haunt him for the rest of his life and would judge every parenting decision he made .. I was a sweet pregnant lady. Im still very scared of this. And even more I guess because of my biggest fear:

Losing my husband or child. Losing anyone I love would be terrible. But I have a sickening fear of losing Beast or Spaz. I never knew how much I could love someone until I held Spaz for the first time and saw Beast holding look into his eyes.

When Beast was deployed, I held it together pretty good. I never really cried. Even when he left, I felt sort of ... well nothing really. There was a ringing in my ears which I knew was from holding tears back. But I felt like I needed to keep it together- not only cause I dont like to show emotion in public but I needed to be strong for Spaz. He needed to feel that everything was okay and daddy was fine. Just like trying to explain a homecoming to someone who has no experiance with one, watching your loved one leave on a big white bus to who-knows-where is hard to explain. You dont really feel like they are going to somewhere very dangerous at first. That takes a bit to kick in. And if you are one of the lucky ones, you never do. You dont feel impending doom or loss. If you are me, you  just feel... numb. You feel a bit lost. A bit broken. Like a part of you is missing and you can physically feel it. I know some people broke down at that moment. I saw others holding crying women in pain. I didnt bring anyone with me except Spaz (and my little brother. He didnt have a babysitter). I didnt want my mother with me because I dont like showing that kind of raw emotion around her.
                 I looked around and everything was in slow motion. All I could really see was Spaz's face. He was only 7 months old at the time so his face was so innocent and unaware. He had no idea what was happening. All he was thinking was- Im hungry. Even then I didn't have much fear of losing Beast. It wasnt until I experienced my first black out that the numb turned to panic, pain, and fear. For those who are familiar with the military know that a Black Out is one of the worst things you can experiance. Hearing your door bell ring during one is even worse, but seeing the men in uniform when you open that door the ultimate pain.
                 I hadnt heard from Beast for an abnormal amount of time and when I talk to one of my friends she said that she hadnt heard from her soldier as well. I just knew what that meant. So I waited in the silence. The dark. The black. The door bell rang and it was only the UPS man dropping off a Creative Memories package for mom. I swear she got 213 of these while he was deployed. Thanks again mom. Thankful I heard back from Beast not too long after. Then came the email. The dreaded new message in my inbox from the company stating there was a casualty. It was just too close to home. I cried.     I cried for the wife that had to receive the flag. I cried for the children that wouldnt see their father on the field 8 months later. I cried for the mom who lost her son.
               I cant imagine losing a child but now that I even have one of my own- It makes the fear and pain worse. The thought makes me sick. But I have to remember its just a fear. I have alot of faith that Beast will make it home everytime and be his Sexy self because its not the end of the battle when he steps onto US soil. The battle just becomes a new one to conquer. I have faith that Spaz and my future little beasts will live successful lives. I have faith that they wont stick me in a creepy nursing home, but will instead build a lovely home for the Sexy Beast and I to keep eachother company when we become to old to wipe our own ass. Remember folks, when the kids are gone its just you and your coworker again. So dont forget to continue to build on that relationship. Always and Forever

Three fears. I have some little fears here and there that are dumb and I cant really explain. But I think these are pretty legit. Even the fear of the dark. Go ahead and deny it. But you know you make sure your feet are in the blanket at night....