Happily Ever After

Do you remember the Disney movies?

"and they lived happily ever after"

But honestly, what happened after the wedding? Did Sleeping Beauty gain 50 pounds from pregnancy? Did Prince Charming leave the door open when he peed or eat pistachios in bed? Did Arial leave her tampon box in the bathroom for some reading material for Prince Eric? Well if this were real life than yes..

To all those newlyweds, the honeymoon doesnt last forever. Now Im not going to sit here and write about the downside of marriage. Thats not it at all. But I think alot of married people my age forget this. They think once that spontaneous, cant keep your hands of eachother, google eyed moments are gone that there is nothing. Thats not what marriage is. Marriage is growing together. Its finding out that he/she isnt perfect and it makes you love them more. Men are not perfect. Even Channing Tatum and Jake Gyllenhaal. Surprised- i know. Did you know that there is a part of the brain in a man that was never fully evolved? Its the part that controls what they hear and see. For example. When Beast sees the bathroom, he sees a cave. A dirty, dark, cave. When he hears me say, "Lets do some laundry, cook dinner, and watch a movie." He hears, "Ill do the laundry, you warm up dinner, and pick out a scary movie that will make me not want to sleep for a month." Its not his fault ladies. Its evolution. Well, antievolution.
*I should side note for the Sexy Beast's sake that he does do the laundry. Im just OCD so most the time I do it so I dont have a panic attack. But he tries. 

But at the end of the night after he leaves the door open in the bathroom, farts while watching movies, and folds the laundry the wrong way, he still rubs my back and kisses my forehead goodnight. He still holds my hand in public and hugs every day after work. He asks me how my day was and opens the door for me. He never walks infront of me and always behind to protect me. He's a great dad and good husband. Remember that even though men have their quirks, they are still the men we fell in love with. Its natural to grow and change as we grow up. We just have to remember to grow together, not apart.

Fear Factor

It is Day 2 people..I have made it two days. Be very happy that I am even writing in this damn thing because I was hit by a bus then ran over by a train today. On top of that, I am helping my monster mother move into her condo... I am a great daughter. Gabe got me sick and now I got my little brother sick. We are having a competition- who can be more irritating and whiney. Im in the lead. Ill take it... its my only accomplishment today.

Day 2: Name 3 legitimate fears and how they have become fears.

So are they saying things like spiders and death by log truck are not fears?? Or fear that the boogie monster is going to grab my leg if its poking out of my blanket? Because those ARE fears.

Id say one fear is the dark. Yes, I know, Im 23 years old and scared of the dark. Go ahead and laugh but I will admit it. I have to either have the TV on or the hallway light on when Im falling asleep. I think its the fear of the "unknown" when its dark. Im the type that does like needs to be in control of 99% of things. And not being able to see what is going on really makes me uneasy. It's not necessarily the creepy crawlies in my closet (because I have a beast lying next to me to protect me. He has a normal body temp of 100 degrees so he is a hot box. I think they are too grossed out to get near his sweaty hotness- I dont blame them) and its not that I watch scary movies (like my mother likes to say), Its more I dont know what is going to happen. So maybe its a fear of not being in control? Or Im just crazy or its because my mother would turn my night light off if I didnt go to bed good and I would cry because I was so damn scared.... Thanks mom.
*You cant call yourself a good parent unless you've provided your child with enough issues for a full therapy session. 

Another fear I have is dieing during birth. When I was pregnant with Spaz, I saw a movie that depicted how more people are dieing in the hospital giving birth than at home. Then they continued to say one of the main reasons women die during birth is because they hemorrhage- wouldnt people hemorrhage more at home with no medical doctor, you ask? Dont get me started, it got me questioning it too... BUT LORD HAVE MERCY. I cried and said HELL NO I WONT GO. I told Sexy Beast I couldn't do it so he would have to somehow give birth for me. Then I told him if he let me die, I would haunt him for the rest of his life and would judge every parenting decision he made .. I was a sweet pregnant lady. Im still very scared of this. And even more I guess because of my biggest fear:

Losing my husband or child. Losing anyone I love would be terrible. But I have a sickening fear of losing Beast or Spaz. I never knew how much I could love someone until I held Spaz for the first time and saw Beast holding look into his eyes.

When Beast was deployed, I held it together pretty good. I never really cried. Even when he left, I felt sort of ... well nothing really. There was a ringing in my ears which I knew was from holding tears back. But I felt like I needed to keep it together- not only cause I dont like to show emotion in public but I needed to be strong for Spaz. He needed to feel that everything was okay and daddy was fine. Just like trying to explain a homecoming to someone who has no experiance with one, watching your loved one leave on a big white bus to who-knows-where is hard to explain. You dont really feel like they are going to somewhere very dangerous at first. That takes a bit to kick in. And if you are one of the lucky ones, you never do. You dont feel impending doom or loss. If you are me, you  just feel... numb. You feel a bit lost. A bit broken. Like a part of you is missing and you can physically feel it. I know some people broke down at that moment. I saw others holding crying women in pain. I didnt bring anyone with me except Spaz (and my little brother. He didnt have a babysitter). I didnt want my mother with me because I dont like showing that kind of raw emotion around her.
                 I looked around and everything was in slow motion. All I could really see was Spaz's face. He was only 7 months old at the time so his face was so innocent and unaware. He had no idea what was happening. All he was thinking was- Im hungry. Even then I didn't have much fear of losing Beast. It wasnt until I experienced my first black out that the numb turned to panic, pain, and fear. For those who are familiar with the military know that a Black Out is one of the worst things you can experiance. Hearing your door bell ring during one is even worse, but seeing the men in uniform when you open that door the ultimate pain.
                 I hadnt heard from Beast for an abnormal amount of time and when I talk to one of my friends she said that she hadnt heard from her soldier as well. I just knew what that meant. So I waited in the silence. The dark. The black. The door bell rang and it was only the UPS man dropping off a Creative Memories package for mom. I swear she got 213 of these while he was deployed. Thanks again mom. Thankful I heard back from Beast not too long after. Then came the email. The dreaded new message in my inbox from the company stating there was a casualty. It was just too close to home. I cried.     I cried for the wife that had to receive the flag. I cried for the children that wouldnt see their father on the field 8 months later. I cried for the mom who lost her son.
               I cant imagine losing a child but now that I even have one of my own- It makes the fear and pain worse. The thought makes me sick. But I have to remember its just a fear. I have alot of faith that Beast will make it home everytime and be his Sexy self because its not the end of the battle when he steps onto US soil. The battle just becomes a new one to conquer. I have faith that Spaz and my future little beasts will live successful lives. I have faith that they wont stick me in a creepy nursing home, but will instead build a lovely home for the Sexy Beast and I to keep eachother company when we become to old to wipe our own ass. Remember folks, when the kids are gone its just you and your coworker again. So dont forget to continue to build on that relationship. Always and Forever

Three fears. I have some little fears here and there that are dumb and I cant really explain. But I think these are pretty legit. Even the fear of the dark. Go ahead and deny it. But you know you make sure your feet are in the blanket at night.... 

This Aint No Dear John, Amanda Seyfried

Four years ago, if you would've came to me and said,

 "Hey in four years you will be married, have a baby, go through a deployment cause you are an Army wife" Id say, "Bitch your'e crazy"  (I had an attitude problem back then)

Its crazy what just a year can do to you. When I started dating Sexy Beast, I honestly didn't think this would be the man that steals my heart and convince me to become a..cue the Army Strong song... Military Wife. So when I got engaged at Fort Benning in 2010, I started watching this show called Army Wives. "Oh what fun and interesting!" I thought. Little did I know, the real military life is NOTHING like this show.

I had NO idea what was about to happen.

*let me note here that everyones situation is case by case. How I handle being a military wife may not be how you handle it. You may not agree with what I have to say. I am probably a blabbering idiot for I know. So take this all with an open mind. Our husbands fight for freedom of opinion. And this is mine. 

What I have learned, like most things in life, is this life is what you make it. If you mope around that there are so many things you cant control and that your husband is going to be gone 75% of your marriage, than life is going to suck. Plain and simple. But from the beginning I was determined not to be one of THOSE women. I knew in the beginning that there were going to be times that are hard and will test my marriage. It will make me want to scream and say IM MOVING TO CANADA. But these moments are what make you. You can sit around and complain that the money is tight, your husband wont be there for you to give birth, that hes out in the field and the kids are sick, that hes gone overseas and you miss him, but is this going to change anything?? When Spaz was two weeks old, Sexy Beast had to leave for field training for about 3 weeks. When Sexy Beast deployed last year, Spaz was 7 months old and not even sitting up on his own-late bloomer. When he came home, Spaz was walking running, talking screaming, yelling for dadda, tantruming, etc. His first birthday, first words, first steps, all had come and gone. His dad had missed it all, so who was I to complain and cry that my world sucked? Im not the one overseas sleeping in a bunk and fighting for my life and the ones I loved. I was here with our baby, watching him grow everyday. Many women can complain about this life but we have it pretty good. One of my biggest pet peeves- and I will admit I used to be one of these women but have learned- is when military wives compare their soldier husband to "civilian" husbands and claim that their husbands are better. Dont get me wrong, I love my husband for what he does. Not a lot of men can handle what he does everyday. Im very proud of him to say the least. I beam when I see him on that field lined up with his fellow men. But my husband isnt better than yours. If you come to me in sadness that your husband or boyfriend is away for the month or away at college, Im going to feel for you. Whether your husband is gone for a day or a whole year, it sucks. We as military wives should never put our noses up at anyone just because their husbands dont wear the US Army patch or any other military patch for that matter. Who are we to judge your situation?

Maybe its my unique take on the military lifestyle that makes the danger and long separations easier. When we first moved to Fort Stewart we lived in a small apartment on post. EVERYTHING was wrapped around the Army and his job. It can give you a great sense of community, or it can drive you insane. It got to the point that I didnt even remember what it was like to have interests of my own. Everything was about his job and even our home wasnt an escape for either of us. It was hard to seperate family and job. So after moving off post we just seem to have a better control of things. In the Army its hard and nearly impossible to really have control over anything. If the Army says you are moving here, then you are moving here. If they say you are deploying, then you are deploying. You roll with the punches. My advice to newcomers- keep an open mind and lift your hands in the air during the rollercoaster bumps-screaming "weeeeee" is optional but fun. What works for the Sexy Beast and I is that we keep his job seperate. The Army is his job. Not who he is. Who he is: an amazing husband that would do anything to give me what ever I wanted. A father who would take a bullet for his children. And a son who works hard to make his family proud. So when you look at me, dont just see an Army wife. Im a mom and wife first. The "army" is just a label that comes with the territory.

I will admit though. Nothing can truly explain that feeling of seeing your husband after almost a year of him being over on the other side of the world. Its something you do just have to experience.

Im very proud of all our men and women who serve, the ones who stand beside them holding their hands and hearts, the children cheering them on, and the ones who support our troops everyday. This country would be a very different place without your courage.

Here goes nothing

So for a while now I have been thinking about writing a blog. Or just writing in general. I seem to talk to myself quite a bit and hey sometimes I make myself laugh. Then it dawns on me Im all alone..... I have GOT to get a hobby. I have quite a bit to say (if you are a family member or an in-law or my dearest ball-and-chain then you know this oh too well.) I live with my mom and little brother (more on that another time). Im a recent wife with an amateur title of Army Wife. I have a 18month old going on 16 years old. And after almost 3 years of Georgia "bliss", I'm heading to Colorado to start all over again because theres no such thing as sitting still in the military.

This monster here is, G. We used to call him baby G but now he's pain-in-the-ass G-man (aka Spazz).
This is the man that most of these posts will be about. The ups and downs of young motherhood, raising a toddler and military brat, and doomsday later on- getting rid of the paci.... cue lighting and thunder.

This is the ball-and-chain (aka Nate Sexy Beast) that helped me create that little monster, and love of my life. More on him later. I dont believe in ranting about my husband but dont worry folks, you'll get to here his crazy and sometimes funny "jokes"

      Heres a preview--  When we arrived at our hotel getting ready to move into our first duty station together (2 days after we got married) Nate Sexy Beast comes out of the bathroom from 20 mins and says, 

"Hey Honey! You should drink more cranberry juice."    "Why Nate?"

"It helps menstruation and cramps"       "How in the hell do you know that?"

"I got bored in the bathroom and read your Tampon box. We should get more of those"

Welcome to marriage Mr. & Mrs. Kalk 

Bare with me since Im new at this "blogging thing" and sometimes technically challenged, and I will forewarn you, I may have a slight potty mouth at times...