Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar. 

Just To Spite My Uterus

After having your first baby, the most common question I get is

"So......... When are you having another baby??!"

There are days I want another... Those are the days that Spaz is not Spaz. He Is Gabriel, my sweet Angel. He takes naps with no fuss. He eats all his food. He giggles at everything mama says. And when I tell him no, he says "Yes mommy dearest. I will not eat this cookie I found on the ground from 5 days ago. Instead I will come and give you lots of hugs and kisses. Oh and by the way, you are beautiful."

Then there are days he makes damn well sure that I make an appointment to have my tubes tide that afternoon.

 Then there those days. Ladies, you know what Im talking about. Men, you know even more. As much as men want to complain to us about those days, I dont think they could handle it. Isnt it bad enough we are the ones who grow a baby from our insides for 10 months then push it out from something that should NEVER have something pushed out of? But then if we dont give our uterus a job to do it punishes us one week out of every month by throwing ragers and invites everyones' least favorite family member- Aunt Flow.

The aches. The cramps. The mess. The ruined outfits. The bloat. The chocolate. The crying. The anger. She sucks. She doesnt have gum in her purse. She doesnt give you a birthday card with a $10 bill in it. She doesnt give you advice on boys, or sex, or how to deal with your parents.

Once a week, since our uterus is a cranky wench, Aunt Flo comes to town to show you who's boss. So men, dont be mad at us when theres a visitor. Try and understand shes here for us..As much as it may feel, she's not here for you. Tired of her visits? You have two options- knock us up (FYI pregnancy isn't a joy ride either) or:

1. Buy us chocolate. 
2. Watch the sad movie with us and cry at Sarah Mclachlan's commercials (buying that one eyes puppy     wouldnt hurt either)
3. Never round a group of us together for too long or we will overtake you. 
4. When we yell at you for breathing too loud, smile... or stop breathing.
5. Buy us chocolate.
6. Buy us more chocolate.
7. No chocolate? Run  see you in 3-5 days

When will I have another baby you ask? When Aunt Flow pisses me off just enough to send her to the unemployment line to wait for 40 weeks. But Im a tough cookie so I think I can handle her for some time yet... Sorry mother-in-law