Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar. 

My Son is Telepathic

Thats right. You read it. My son is telepathic. Spaz is going to be two years old in July and he is still not speaking words. BUT Spaz can understand what we are saying and we have learned his language of "no-speak-inese" by telepathy. I have come to this conclusion from a particular experience: Last night I was in the kitchen when I heard Spaz's pitter patter feet flying through the hallways. I knew he was standing in front of Sexy Beast, not because I heard him talk, but because I heard Beast say;

"What do you need help with?"- Beast. I heard nothing come from Spaz's voice box. Yet then I heard:
"What is in your room that you need help with?"-Beast. ALOT of these moments happen in our house since Spaz isnt saying words yet (other than Mama, Dadda, and Bella- my moms mutt)
 

How did the Beast know that Spaz needed help in his room? Could it be that EVERY time Spaz plays with his bus, he rips the door off like a maniac with over stimulated adrenaline?

Could it be that Spaz just came out of his room and came straight to dad?

Could it be that my dropping of the cell phone on Spaz's head as a newborn create a telepathic snap in his brain?

So at Spaz's 24 month check up, when Dr. Anderson asks if he is saying words yet, Ill say,

Buts its ok. He is telepathic. And thats just more fun.

Now onto what my cousin, Ali, is waiting for. Yes, we bought a house. Crazy? Maybe. But it feels SO good to say, this is my home. I can do whatever I want to it. PLEASE pipes dont burst. Rats and bugs stay away! But it has been great. I did have a few lot of melt downs the first weekend of painting, however. NONE of the paints I chose turned out to be the same color that dried on the can. NONE. But thank the heavens above they grew on me and I like them. Another awesome plus- we have hardwood under our carpet! It was exciting but if you ask the Beast about ripping up the carpet, his eye starts twitching and he starts to swear uncontrolably. My son is telepathic and my husband has turrettes.

The house is a 5 bedroom 2 1/2 bath (master, Gabe's room, Army/baby room upstairs and other two rooms downstairs. We call them Mandy's room and grandma's room) with a huge backyard (roses, raspberries, and bulb bushes included!) and a finished basement (mancave for the Beast. Or if you are me than you just call it- the cave. For his inner neanderthal)

So here are some pictures...


Gabe's Details



Living Room

Living Room Details

Gabe's room

Master Room



Dining Room

Well there will be more to come... Still need to get dining chairs and put our dining room together. Also, we need a rug for the living room. Oy... And ya ya.. i will get back to that challenge.. I live with turrettes and telepathy. Give me a break. 

 

 

 

Super Moms Suck

Pinterest is one of my biggest addictions.

At least its not crack, right? As a military wife, I know that my dreams of being a home owner are far ahead of me, so the best thing right now is to conger up ideas on how to recreate my dream home into "renter friendly" ways. As I scroll through hours of eye-candy-for-a-housewife (I swear I actually do productive crap everyday other than Pin) I come across things like- How to make your baby's food for a year and potty train them before their 1st birthday. How to pump enough milk to have a refrigerator stacked full of milk and never feel like a constant milk machine. How to bake an apple pie from scratch while holding your screaming teething child. How to build your child's bunk bed from scratch. Or how to get that six pack back after your 5th child.

I cant help but think- HOW do these moms do it all? Have you ever seen the movie "I don't know how she does it" with Sarah Jessica Parker? First off, GREAT movie for moms. Dads, its not the movie you are thinking it is going to be. Sorry. Anyways, this women is a career women with a large corporate company who attends her children's parent teacher conferences and bakes for the school bake off. The women who pin these things and actually do them while continually smiling suck. Super moms suck. Don't get me wrong, thats great you can juggle it all. You can work 40 hours a week, make homemade meals that are good for you and the kids LOVE; you can shower your husband with love and affection every night so he doesn't feel neglected; you can bake apple pies from scratch and keep that six pack; all while never neglecting any chore around the house. But you make all the rest of us "normal" parents feel like plankton in the sea of parenthood. While you're out there kicking baby ass (don't fret- not literally) and taking names, Im just trying to keep my child alive and not get social services to knock on my door. So far my Spaz has sliced his hand open, shut himself in the closet AND pantry, and has managed to get his dad to say to me today "I saved our sons life today"- words every mother LOVES to hear. I even let him sleep with his head in his blankets and 5 teddy bears in his crib.

 So I found a book just for us unsuper moms:

I saw this on pinterest and laughed so hard at its irony. Hasn't everyone at one point or another in parenthood felt like shitty parents? When Spaz was 2 weeks old, my mother in law came to Fort Stewart while Sexy Beast was in the field training. She stayed with Spaz and I for about a week and would sleep in the room with me (on a separate bed- lets not be creepy) so that she could get up and help with the baby if needed. I was nursing and as close as one can be with their mother in law, I was not about to throw my engorged boobs out there for her gasp over. So when he wanted to nurse, I didn't turn the bedroom light on and would just use my phone as a little night light. While trying to adjust him holding my phone over so I could see, I dropped the phone on my poor little nuggets head! Now, okay, it was a little flip phone and he didn't cry, I sure did! I felt awful! Maybe thats why he isn't talking yet.......... But this is to reassure others, especially first time moms- babies are parent proof. Don't go letting them stick your bobby pins in light sockets or bang their heads on the counter like a pickle jar, but don't follow them around with pillows incase they fall- thats helicopter parenting and I was one (more on that later). Its ok that you don't bake pies by scratch. Its okay that your job(s) has you away 75% of the time. Enjoy that 25%. Its ok that when baby naps, you paint your nails or catch up on Duck Dynasty. Its ok that on some of your time off, you want to go out with the girls. Hell, you deserve that time off when you can take it cause its okay to say PARENTING IS HARD WORK.


Your children are the most wonderful little creatures you will ever come into contact with- even if you get to meet an elephant face to face (you know who you are). Even if you get to squeeze a baby tiger without it eating your face, squeezing your little toddler with their chubby arms wrapped around you calling you mama or daddy is by far ten thousand times better. They will never hold a grudge until they become hormonal little assholes... They'll never pee on your carpet, unless you let them roam without a diaper... And I promise you that after children, you will never be the same because having a baby and keeping him alive this long has been by far the best thing I have ever done. And I married a pretty dang good lookin' man, folks.

So heres to you shitty parents! The ones who didn't breast feed for 5 years. Who don't make homemade pies every day, keep your house spotless and still find time to work on those abs while building your deck. Shitty parents, you're still doing great. You will continue to do great. And you're kids will look back and think "my parents were super parents"...

As a side note- you parents who really can do it all. Keep it up. You are a phenomenon that the world could use more of :)

**This post is dedicated to a special lady I know who tries to do it all while parenting as just one. You are a wonderful mom. You work really hard to give him the best and you are raising quite an amazing little man even though its hard to do it alone. Don't let the super moms get you down, he needs a sane mother.**