Fast forward to two weeks later. I make some amazing catfish, rice, and fresh peas in the their pod. MmmmMmmmMmmm. That night I felt like I had a bottle of wine. Yes- I had given myself food poisoning AGAIN! Moral of this all- I am no long allowed to cook unsupervised. The Beast is terrified to eat my food now.
So as I was getting sick all night long, Beast came upstairs to check on me and insisted I go into the hospital to get some IV fluids since I was 36 weeks. It wasn't until I starting throwing up blood- yes blood- that I said Okay Yah. I should go in. (with my thickest Minnesota accent- You Betcha)
I told Beast to stay home with Spaz so that he could sleep. I dragged my puking sluggish bowling ball into the car and drove myself to labor and delivery. Thank the heavens the hospital is only 5 mins away from our front door. Holding my red puke bowl, I stumbled into the triage room and laid down. I must have looked like hell because the valet parking asked if I knew where the ER was. After hooking me up and seeing how much blood I had been throwing up, they decided that I was going to be admitted for at the least the night and morning. After an hour the nurses said I was having contractions that weren't going away so she wanted to check me and give me more medicine since dehydration can cause preterm labor. I was barely a cm and he hadn't dropped down so she didn't suspect I was in any kind of active labor. Once I was transferred to the women wing with the rest of the bed rest preggos, they encouraged me to get some sleep and they would send the doctor in the morning to see if I was dieing. Well in their words, to see where the blood was coming from. Turns out my esophogase gave out from my talented cooking and tore enough for me to bleed into my stomach causing me to throw up. Lovely- I know.The next morning the nurse came in who happen to be a midwife as well. They wanted to hook me up to the machine for 20 mins before the doctor came in to discharge me. Just to be on the safe side because I had been complaining of pressure. I could feel that my contractions were not going away. Didn't matter if I was laying down or standing up. Even after two bags of fluids and nausea medication. 15 mins into CNN, the nurse comes in and snaps her gloves on- "Im checking you. Those contractions are persistent and five mins apart. I suspect you are in labor girl" I laughed and said I wasn't even a finger tip earlier that night so I didn't think so but getting my cervix checked doest hurt at all.. so why not (insert some MAJOR sarcasm) "Yep you are a little over 3 cm…and he's has dropped way down"
Say what? I sat at 3 cm for three weeks with my first brat so this is nothing. She insisted I sit on the machine for an hour and see if I progress. If I progress I can be admitted and start my laboring process. If not, than its time to go home. I knew Beast would be excited to hear I was dilated so I waited impatiently for him to walk into the room.
"Hey Beastasoar! I am 3 cm…" -said the hippo
"Damn it, I had errands to run today." Oh thats sweet, Beast.An hour later I got to experience the gentle touch of the cervix check again. Just about 4cm. I had a choice. Go up to labor and delivery or go home. Go home. WORST MISTAKE EVER. Its 11am, I am at home. And I can feel pressure during my contractions. Did I have to crap? Or was I about to have a baby that night? Suck it up, I told myself. You are fine, go take a bath. After a bath and hot shower I could feel so much pressure that I was afraid to sneeze. So I arranged for Spaz to get picked up from daycare, AKA to Spaz= the place that serves better food than moms crap, and yelled out to the Beast to get his keys, we needed to get going.
"We need to stop by the grocery store and get milk for you and Spaz for the morning. I don't want you guys without milk. You need milk so you can have breakfast. SPAZ NEEDS MILK.." Needless to say I was freaking out. But The Beast said No. And that I had to get going to the hospital. He was not about let my water break in the middle of aisle 9. As we were driving, the contractions were getting stronger. By the second light I was screaming at an old lady in front of us "Move it Miss Daisy! Or I will move it for you!! What is with all you people?! Is it drive as slow as you can day?!! MOVE OVER" Oh yah I was in labor. It didn't help that The Beast was hitting every single bump on the road.Finally, we arrived and were put in a triage room to be checked. It was 3:30pm by this point. I could tell the nurses didn't think I was in labor since I was talking fine inbetween contractions but if I lifted my leg too far up, a baby might have fallen out. During contractions Beast couldn't stand too close or I was going to turn him into a woman. She checked me right away. Guess what I was at.. 4 cm! What?! Check again woman. Theres no way I haven't changed. This is how I felt when I was getting my epidural with Spaz. 4?? Maybe 4 inches… please. Lets just monitor you for an hour and see what happens… thats fine but I'm not going home, lady. Ten minutes pass by and I feel the worst and longest contraction of my life. OMG HE IS COMING OUT. BAM… my water broke. I looked at Beast in horror-
"Holy shit, Beast, my water just broke. Look under the blankets and see what color it is!"
"Please don't make me do that.." I wanted to make sure the baby wasn't in stress. He ran out to grab a nurse. 7 cm!Up went the bed rails and out the room we soared. Here we go honey- Someone page the doctor she is ready to go and going fast! Tears started streaming down my face. No this can't be happening this quick. And why is it so painful this time? And why did I have to jinx myself?! Through my pregnancy I told people I wanted to be a badass without pain meds. Silly Silly Stupid girl. Oh how you will regret the hell out of this. I believe the good Lord knew I would cave and get the epidural so he laughed and said, Let me help you out.... It was 3:45 when I rolled into my room and they tossed me into a bed. Fifteen minutes after I sat on that triage bed I was screaming for some sweet relief from a needle to the back. Nurses were scrambling all over the room setting the table up with all the scary equipment. Two baby nurses were rolling in a warm incubator and oxygen machine since he was arriving early. I heard one nurse on the phone, Where is doctor so and so, she is 7cm and was 4cm fifteen mins ago. I think she will be ready soon. She's also screaming for an epi so send the anesthesiologist please. Staying calm while in labor is NOT my strong suit. So screaming for an epidural and bawling my eyes out was an understatement. They told me the doctor would be 8 mins since he was finishing up with a C Section so just wait. I shook my head and said I have to push. I have to push now. They checked me and I was 9 cm and completed effaced. No epidural for me. The anesthesiologist walked in and they told him never mind. NO.. COME BACK. I was like crying Rose laying on ship wreckage… "jack, jack come back!!" I don't know what was more sad. Seeing him leave the room or seeing Beast leave for deployment.
I may have seriously been the fastest laborer on the planet. However, I am not the quietest.
"I have to push. Im going to push! Something is going to blow out of my ass! I HAVE TO PUSH" The nurses kept yelling back- do not push you are not fulling dilated and you can tear your cervix. Well that just what I wanted to hear and I started crying histarically. OH MY GOD, I am going to die.
"Please don't let me die. I don't want to die. I HAVE TO PUSH." The look of horror on everyones face was priceless. Well you tell me I'm going to tear if I push and my body is naturally pushing on its own- Panic will set in. I tried the "he he ho" breathing method they told me to do with Spaz to help my body not push but it wasn't working. So what was the next instinct thing to do? Start growling like an angry constipated bear. I kept crying apologies cause I couldn't help it. Nurses were hovering over my like vultures- Calm down, Danielle. You need to take deep breaths and calm down. I just wanted to yell at t to all get out. I needed one person in there and one only- someone to pull this kid out.I could hear them calling the doctor again insisting he run down the hallway because I was ten and was already pushing. FINALLY, he comes into the room and asks me how I am feeling. Well, have you had the feeling you needed to blow a saint bernard out your ass? I have. It was 4:30 at this point and time. They told Beast to hold one of my legs. I knew it wouldn't last long. Five minutes into pushing he he looked as though he was going to pass out. I have never seen someone go so white so fast. They even brought in crackers and some thing to drink for him and told him to sit down. Finally, 5:05 PM and he was here!
"Look down, here is your baby.. take a look. Pull him out." They all kept cheering and telling me to see my baby. What was my reaction? Tears? Smiles? Grabbing him and pulling him out into my arms? No….
"JUST TAKE HIM OUT ALREADY. PLEASE!" My whole body was shaking. I had been loud and proud for an hour. I probably scared every poor woman on the floor. I was so loud and breathing so fast that later I noticed they had the oxygen mask going behind me. I was shaking so bad that I told them to hand him to The Beast. I was afraid to drop him. After I expelled the placenta, the nursing student in me kicked in- "Wait, can I see it??" Yep… I'm THAT chick. But hey- its not like I said I wanted to eat it.Turns out I only needed a little medical attention with stitches but with no epidural it didn't feel great. It shocked me so much that I accidentally slapped my doctors arm. I gasped and said sorry but he just laughed and said its ok- just don't kick him please.
So all in all it was a horrid experience. Maybe natural birth is great for you. But, boy, I appreciated the drugs with Spaz's birth ALOT more after last week. Silver lining for those who are debating between drugs or not- my recovery has been tremendously better. Not only did I feel better sooner after giving birth, but I healed faster and was able to walk around quicker. I did have to get a shot of pitocin and jabbed in the stomach a million times since Im a ginger. They told me they were afraid I was bleeding too much- something EVERY woman wants to hear- so she came in every fifteen minutes to "massage" my uterus. And by massage I mean dig into my stomach like she was searching for my spine. It felt great.
So for all those knocked up chicks out there, here is my advice for you:
1. If you know you want drugs, go into the hospital as soon as you think you are in labor. AKA when you need to stop and lean over during the peaks not to relieve pain but so you don't rip your baby daddy's testicles off. Or the flood gates open.
2. If you do want to go all natural during labor, then labor at home as long as possible. If you feel like your baby is going to fall out if you sneeze, then you need to get that hospital. Or in my case- if you start growling and baring down like a constipated yeti.
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| Baby W 20.5 in long 7 lbs 10 oz |
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