What Happen to My Marriage?

I was talking with a friend who is going through tough times with her marriage, kids, and other stuff thats was piling on. It got me thinking about my own dirty laundry, not to mention the stuff in the dryer, so I searched "Marriage after baby" on the Holy Grail, Pinterest, for inspiration. What did I get?

The moment you give birth you love your spouse even more.
They never knew how much they loved their husband until he became a daddy.
Their love was bonded even stronger after witnessing the miracle of birth.

I call bullshit. My first thought was, well what the hell happen to me? I can't be the only one that this DIDNT happen for.

What about those of us that don't witness the miracle. Those of us who don't get to watch our husbands be daddies, Thanks Army! How about those of us who don't bond after having a baby- but instead grow apart? Everyone wants to tell you how your life is going to change after having a baby. How you will never love someone more. They were talking about my baby. Not my spouse. What happen to my marriage?

Its hard for me to talk about because a lot of people like to give unsolicited advice where its not wanted. And no one is worse at judging than adults who think their life is perfect. But I don't think people are honest enough about what really can happen after a baby. Or in my case. Two.

When I gave birth to Spaz, it was one of the greatest days of my life. But it was a day that would change my marriage. Beast and I already had some cards stacked against us. We were are young, got married quickly, moved across the country 1000s of miles away from family the MORNING after our wedding, and I got pregnant 2 weeks later. You know how they say God only gives you what he knows you can handle? Well the Lord thinks I'm one bad ass! After having Spaz, I was one of the luckies to get postpartum depression. I knew what it was but didnt KNOW what it really was going to be. I cried a lot. And by a lot, I mean I cried because breast feeding was painful, Spaz was crying from hunger, no one listened to me when I said I hated breastfeeding- you read that right, settle down- I burnt the hamburgers, my husband was snoring, I couldn't find my slippers, my show wasn't a new episode... You name it, it broke my heart. I've been told a time or two growing up that I am what they call, a drama queen. So I brushed it off. No one educated my husband either what postpartum depression is so he thought his wife was a basket case. Proper information would have informed him to call the doctor or give me wine. Or both. But all of this caused me to resent him and our marriage. I blamed him for my tears almost all of the time. Which in turn caused arguments over the pettiest of things. Resulting in those bonds of ours to crack. Where is this chanted deep bond and unconditional love everyone keeps posting about? Why don't I look at my husband and cry over the love I have for him like everyone else seems to have? What is wrong with me? Eventually the hormones left town and my PPD eased up. This didnt happen over night and with Beast leaving for his first deployment and the fights from undealt-with resentment, put a major crack in our marriage that we never sealed before he left.

I remember the Christmas right before he first deployment. We both hadn't slept since Spaz was born and never dealt with our drifting bond for 6 months. I think we both thought this was normal and that it will just work out. Like everyone tells you whenever ANYTHING goes wrong- It will work out. One of the worst things you can say to someone. Sometimes its better to just shut up and hug the other person. Or maybe we were too ashamed to admit that something is wrong. I know I was. It was Spaz's first Christmas and Beast's first deployment, so we both had different agendas back home. But since we weren't communicating we ended up having one of the biggest fights Iv ever endured with someone I love. He wanted to say goodbye and spend time with his family Christmas eve. I wanted just us 3 to be together for Christmas morning. We both weren't dealing with his impending leave and buried it blaming each other for our faults. I will admit openly I was being selfish and wanted him to myself. I couldn't help but think- what if this is the last time I see you? As we are screaming at each other I kept looking at him, waiting, hoping, wanting him to look at me in the eyes, so that I could see into his soul and KNOW he loved me and KNOW he was coming back to me. That he still looked at me with the same admiration he did before we were married. Before we had kids and my time was consumed with the baby. He looked at me.. But I didnt see any of it. I saw me. I saw me falling apart... busting at the seams. Not to mention 40 pounds heavier. Get ahold of yourself, woman! I kept thinking. See that your husband is scared and needs you to understand. But I didnt. I just kept thinking- what has happened to me? What happen to my marriage?

I was terrified of what was happening to my life, my marriage, my child. I was terrified of him leaving when I wouldn't admit it. Trying to be strong for the baby. To this day, if you ask me about my husband being gone, I will put on a smile and say things like, "its not that bad" "we are doing great" or "I have a lot of faith", because what else am I suppose to say? If you look deep into MY eyes 2 years ago, you would see darkness. You would have see nothing. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. But what if it doesn't. I couldn't, I wouldn't, I wasn't dealing with my resentment towards Beast for leaving, for dropping my life and career path for his, for leaving my family behind and changing my last name for him. All bullshit that really only I could control. And I see that now, but then I didnt. I didnt want to feel sad, or lonely, or lost anymore. I wanted to be a rock for my child. I didnt want to think about what my marriage has become since having a baby. So I turned it off. I turned off my emotion towards it all and became stone. Maybe this sounds good on paper, but when you turn off the pain, you turn off the happiness. And when Beast came back, I didnt turn that emotion back. I never cried when he left. I never cried when he was gone. I never cried when he came back. I felt nothing. I was darkness with a painted on smile. Don't get me wrong, I loved my husband and I still do. But I was a side of me Iv never seen. I kept my emotion for my child and smiled genuinely and honestly for him. But I failed my husband. I was failing my marriage. Beast came back and I was ALL about my child. Everything I did was for my son. My heart and soul ALL went to my son. I didnt put baby in the corner- I put Beast there. The fighting and coldness didnt stop. I could barely hold his hand without feeling uncomfortable. We lived with my mom at the time so I didnt even want to kiss him in front of everyone in the house. When beast would try to be playful I would get uncomfortable. I wasn't warming up to my own husband.

But Beast and I pushed on and tried working more honestly on each other. We were not going to break our childs home. Now I know that isn't the right choice for everyone, but for us we weren't ready to give up. So we did what any rational  couple would do during trying times. We bought a house. Then got knocked up! OH! and moved across the country away from family AGAIN. You see a pattern here, folks? If anything- we are consistent. I knew what happen to my marriage the last time I had a baby, and I knew that statistically I was likely to have postpartum depression again. This thought scared the living hell out of me AND Beast. Neither of us wanted that again. Plus now I had TWO pairs of slippers to cry over. So we tried our best with the Devil Mistress of the Army butting in all the time, Spaz going through terrible twos, And the stress of all the changes. We tried to be affectionate and show each other love but I was so wrapped up in being the best of the best of the best mom that I would get pissed and irritated when Beast would try to even hug me. "Im trying to cook dinner!" I would spit out. I put all my effort into my son. Leaving my husband to entertain himself in his man cave with the playstation. How I got pregnant again is miracle. Or an omen. We will find out. Everyone want to tell you how to be a good mother after having a kid. But how about being a good wife? How about- Hey don't forget about your husband. He needs attention too! Why doesn't anyone say its okay to put your spouse first sometimes. I will give Beast credit that he tried to give me attention and I was not having it. He was pulling my attention away from Spaz and that was making me feel guilty. I was already feeling guilty about bringing in another baby like he would think I don't love him as much. (But now Spaz knows he's the shit, so he has no issues after all about Moose- phew)

Moose was born just weeks before Beast left for yet another year long camping trip. With all the visiting family, packing, and school starting soon, I laid in bed nights after nights crying realizing that once again I was neglecting my husband and he was drifting from me before he left. Not again.. Please not again. What was another deployment and homecoming like before going to do? Were the cracks going to be so big, and so deep, that nothing was going to fix them? I cried for hours at night. But this time it wasn't PPD (if anything I was euphoric around my children) it was my first love. My Beast. I couldn't lose him. I wouldn't lose him. And I vowed to do better. But I never truly told him what was going on. I was too afraid that he would lash out from insult. Or get angry and blame me. I didnt want to hear that maybe it was all my fault. Eventually, telling Beast, more like vomiting my emotion to him, is what helped begin to heal those breaks and start the process of coming back together.

I didnt cry as I stood by his side, waiting to say goodbye. Not because I turned off my emotions again. But because I was going to be stronger and deal with this (and I'm an ugly crier- Kim Kardashian style...look it up). I was going to love myself and my husband more- fall in love with this man all over again. I was going to forgive him and myself for drifting apart. I wasn't going to let having kids change my marriage.

When I hugged him goodbye and held on as hard as I could, I felt it. I felt that punch in the stomach, squeeze you lungs, can't breath feeling. Tears flooded my eyes. Its finally there. My deep, your my best friend, I need you feelings were still there. It was THAT moment I finally took the last brick off the wall I had built up over two years down. All I said was, "come home to me", walked away, got in my car and cried. Cried of joy that my marriage wasn't over. Cried because I was going to miss him. Cried because of what happen to my marriage and now what was going to happen.

As hard as this is to openly talk about, marriage changes after kids. Even when you're like Beast and I, and haven't been married long before kids. Even if you had kids BEFORE you got married. Kids change relationships. Change you for the good. And change you for the bad at times. Im not proud of the ways I treated Beast when I became a mom. And Im sure there are moments he's not proud of how he treated me. Because not enough are honest to say it- Put your spouse first sometimes. It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you a better parent. Kids grow up learning from the relationships they are surrounded by. You're SUPPOSE to gross them out and show affection. So go ahead, Beast. I want you to hold my hand and kiss me like we are still two teenagers hiding in pantry at the Shoreline. And I won't slap your hand if you grab my ass. I got a lot to grab.  (Sorry Dad)