Tis the Season to be… Fat.

Good lord, I'm 29 weeks and I still have a couple months left! Im sitting here in bed blogging- when I should be studying Anthropology- feeling like Im about to live the scene of Alien where the thing pops out of his stomach! Or was it his chest? Either way- this belly is so tight its about to split open, and my son is going to start screaming,

"free at last! free at last! Thank god almighty, Im free at last!" 

I woke up this morning trying to dress myself and begin bawling. All my t-shirt don't cover my belly anymore. My tanks barely cover.. and I'm only 7 months pregnant.. WHAT THE HELL. I may be carrying a litter. I do have a random obsession with getting Spaz a cat for Christmas. Currently the brat inside of me is kicking my ribs and squeezing my bladder. Can you call babies assholes? No? I didn't think so.

This pregnancy, however, has brought out the sweet side of my Beast. Here is some, "Sh*t my husband says"…

"You better get the XL.. for your growing belly."

"Wow you got huge over night."

"You came in like a wrecking ball.." (he was sleeping in the room)

"Weren't you about this big when you were full term with Spaz?"

"He is probably a nine pound baby."

"Ugh, I feel like I'm getting so fat." (I was holding a knife. He was feeling VERY ballsy. And almost lost them as well)

We taught Spaz about the baby in mommy's belly. But it has, of course, backfired tremendously on me. He now thinks everyone has a baby in their belly and that the belly is called a baby. So he goes up to women and points to the belly to say, "baby". I then have to embarrassingly explain he thinks bellies are called babies and that my son is in fact NOT calling them fat.

And Tis the Season to be jolly sick. Spaz has been fighting a cold for about a month. His immune system apparently is enlisted in the Canadian Military. And I, folks, have thrush. Yah, that crap breast fed babies get…. in the mouth. On the tongue. Its so gross… oh you don't know what it is? Its a yeast infection. IN THE MOUTH. You're welcome. Quick go throw up then come back. How did I get this you asked? Well my sweet mother thought it was fun to inform me its a precursor for HIV patients. Thanks, mom. Well since I just had my 3rd test last month, I can safely say THATS not it. And I haven't used any dirty needles lately. Even the Beast got sick. And he is the most pathetic one in the house when sick. But Ill let him get away with it since he only gets sick once a year. And nothing is cuter than a sick animal. Right?

Ugh, back to the grind of school work. Its never ending….. Anyone having trouble sleeping? Go pick up a Chem book.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Shut Down

I should note- this is not my picture. Its from Yahoo. Dont sue me.

The shut down. This big government shut down. We, as a family, have personally gone through three of them (including this one). Two of which our Beast's paycheck was withheld. Im not sure on all the details but this one his pay shouldnt be effected- thankfully. But there are many who will be out of jobs. That stinks... but I have to be honest. To those spouses who complain and protest about their empty bank account, you deserve a face palm. I agree that the government shut down is sucky. And I feel bad for those civilian workers on post that get laid of during this time. But to the spouses sipping their coffee gossiping about the shitty government- are you the one putting on that uniform and going to work unpaid (this was past circumstances). No.. so keep it to yourself. Hey, despite what you may think, Im not perfect. Surprising, I know.. shake it off. But I keep my complaints to me husband (and my sista- you know who you are) cause why else to people get married?

Some ladies like to complain about all the crap that comes with being a military spouse. Or complain about the unpredictable-ness of the Army. But complaining about not being able to control your military life is like complaining that oranges are orange. Its in the name, folks. When you married your soldier what on earth did you think was going to happen? He would be home by 5pm to gladly help with the screaming kids and rub your back? If you have this, I will pay you for your secret. Did you REALLY think they would fly him home in time for your delivery? Last I checked, birth didnt last a week. Eve ate the apple. Not the whole damn orchid.

AKA Show of false hope

When I first married the Beast, I watched the show Army Wives, thinking "hey this doesnt look so bad".... you know- the show where the commanding general's wife is friends with the private's wife. Totally realistic right? All wives who have been military associated for more than a couple years are completely laughing right now. If you walk into this thing thinking its going to be sunshine, daisies, and butterflies flying out of your ass, then you are in for a rude awakening.

My rude awakening wasnt when we couldnt go home for Christmas. It wasnt when we couldnt take a honeymoon. It wasnt even when the beast left for his camping trip over east. It was when he came back. I thought it would be like an over played YouTube video. Happy music, slow motion run, jumping into his arms and licking his face- Oh wait, thats the dog videos. Either way. Hell yah I jumped into his arms. But were there kisses and face licking? Dont worry, dad, there wasn't. It was actually alot harder for us to feel "married" and "together" again. You turn your emotions off and try to be this rock for almost a year, and you become so good at it that you never teach yourself how to turn it all back on. It was uncomfortable for me to just sleep in the same bed. I kept waking up going, "Who the hell is laying next to me." It caused alot of arguments, resentful lashes, and not letting Beast help parent Spaz. But to get over these speed bumps, (and there are a lot) you must learn something from them. I learned that I cant turn off my emotions while hes gone to make things easier. Not only is it confusing for my kids, but its hard to feel normal around that man I wear a ring for. Though it took longer than I thought, the beast and I over came this wall I put up. He knocked it down and made sure to hide the bricks before he leaves again. This time I will cry when I want to cry. I will laugh when I want to laugh. I will enjoy my time to myself and work on goals for myself without feeling guilty. And I will count down the days until I get to jump into his arms and lick kiss his face again.

So yah, the government may shut down. Stop complaining and find a silver lining. Thats what you HAVE to do for your lover in uniform. Here are my silver linings- cause they rock- maybe you can agree or find a new one.

He is staying late or over night in the field
Hell yes! While hes camping and roasting s'mores, I get to watch Pretty Little Liars without someone in the background saying, "why do you watch this show? Do you like lesbians? That would never happen. Its that guy who's A, I looked it up." Now you may watch your shows and eat like a pig in bed without judgement

His uniforms smell like corpse in dirt and his gear is EVERYWHERE
You get to look at him in uniform... let me repeat- you get to look at him in uniform

The government is shutting down- and he may not get paid
You get to pretend you are broke college students together. Ok maybe thats not a silver lining (if you are smart you have prepared for this) You eat some roman noodles for a bit and dont go out to buy that cute GAP sweater, but you will have a new found respect for that thing you call budget

He's deploying.... Again
You get to save money for something really special you both want with that little extra pay each month he gets for being shot at (to put it bluntly)... new car? vacation? big screen tv? pony? You can cook whatever the hell you want- and for a mild vegetarian like me, this is AWESOME. You can set goals for yourself that you may not have done or had motivation to do while he was here. The only time I lose weight is when he's gone.

And the big one- when he is back, you will love him more than you thought possible. You are reminded why you married that man. You can run and jump into his arms- but please PLEASE dont lick his face. And wear panties.

So suck it up, ladies... could be worse.  You could be married to Anthony Weiner.

5 Months

How far along? 23 weeks

Total weight gain: WELL.... lets just say the doctor told me im gaining weight too fast. To lay off the pastries. And that im just about to the 25 total pounds im suppose to gain this WHOLE pregnancy..... Bitch I like my cupcakes
Maternity clothes? Lord yes. Cant get enough of them. This basketball I swallowed it a real pain to dress
Stretch marks? Just ones from Gabe
Sleep: Thankfully my husband stopped snoring. Yay! But he likes to kick me all night long (The baby not the man)
Best moment this week: When Spaz let me sleep more than 4 hours.... Lord Thank You!
Miss Anything? Being skinny and having more of a wardrobe to choose from 
Movement: In the ribs. In the bladder. In the stomach. He loves me.
Food cravings: Raw meat. Thats right. Raw meat
Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Ironically. But I eat everything in sight. The people sitting next to me in nutrition start to look delicious after a while.
Gender: Monster boy
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think im happy. The beast may have a different story. I have major mood swings. Almost everything makes me cry. Talking about ionic bonds in chem makes me tear up. Not of joy. 

Looking forward to: Evicting this kid. 

FALL IS HERE! Yay! Colorado is in the winter- I cant wait! I pulled out the pumpkins for decorating. Frames up Spaz's fall master pieces. Lit the spiced candles. And started twiddling my thumbs waiting to get a tree.. I suppose I have to wait until Thanksgiving dont I? 

Spaz is slowly getting used to the idea of a new baby brother. He likes to life my shirt for the world to see so he can announce "BABY!!!" real loud.. Then he bolts and smacks the baby real hard. Lovely. But then he goes to his dad and lifts his shirt to scream "BABY!!!" and smack his belly too. No, Spaz, theres no baby in there. Just muscle. And steal. 

And just as Spaz is throwing another tantrum, throwing a toy, screaming at me NO, and I wonder what the hell was I thinking having another baby? He crawls up on my lap and makes faces. Then pulls me in real close and says "love you!"

Who's that standing in my door?

Would a wonderful mother write about her son on his birthday? Yes, she would... Did I? No... His birthday came and gone and I didnt even think about it. Thats just one reason why you should nominate me mother of the year, folks.  He's two. Which means terrible twos. Which means Ill be tearing my hair out but that started at 12 months. So now its just normal. And I have come to find out that its called Terrible Twos because f*&^ing nightmare doesnt start with "Ts". The Kraken has arrived.
I love my child. 

But on an upside of things, I am not 4 months along! Yahoo! And FINALLY it doesn't feel like I am hungover all day everyday. Just on the verge of starvation 24/7. Now that I said this, I will probably go puke my kidney out in an hour.

Now- In the spirit of upcoming fall and Halloween, I have some uber weirdness to share. I have considered I am having a demon child. Not only do I have dreams of getting krunk-ass-wasted and forgetting Im pregnant, but I also have dreams of my child busting out of me. Much like the horrid Twilight scene where that chamellion actress, K-stew, gives birth. And dies. However, what made me consider having a priest present during birth was that I crave raw meat. Not a steak, not a hamburger, RAW MEAT. It doesnt get more creepy than that.... Or does it? I should note that when Im pregnant weird things happen.

When Spaz was in utero, the fire detector would go off at 11am on the dot every morning. And at, no joke, 3 am..... Anyone who has ever watched a scary movie has chills. Even when I switched out new batteries, it continued to do this. Ok, so the maintenance guy said I had the batteries in backwards. Whatever. He lies. It was something else. Now with this delight, our lights go on and off on their own. I was laying in bed (and of course the beast was gone over night) when I had the urge to pee- this information is vital to the story line- so I went to our half (caveman) bath but when I went to turn on the light.. nothing. Hmm must be a dead bulb. So I went to my bath. As Im about to go to sleep, the damn bath light came on! So not a dead bulb... a dead person. Great. I thought this was a fluke but folks- it happened twice again already. So I either have a ghost that just needs to pee, or I have a punk of a spirit. Beast says hes not scared, but he gets awfully "angry" when I tell him my friend is standing next to his side of the bed. Im a sweet wife.

Im just thankful my child doesnt talk to someone named "Toby" and jumps out windows. I will not be putting cameras up. What I dont know, I maybe dont want to know. Im not sure if I believe in ghosts or not. But I just try to ignore it. In all seriousness, I think that you can create the energy yourself. If you believe it, than its there. I could talk for hours with my aunt about this- you know who you are- and people would think we are wave-smoke-in-the-air and chant sort of people. Maybe this is karma from when I was a little girl. While others were playing Princess, I used to play Witch with my Rainbow Haired friend, Jess, and I wanted a "witch book of spell" so not realizing what I was doing, I covered my Bible....... Yah... I know. Yeesh. Needless to say my grandmother had quite the talk with me.


While we are this topic of weird shit thats happen to Dani, let me tell you a story that I told my husband a while back that made him step back and say, "Uh... how has this never came up in the four years we have been together?" Last year in Georgia while we were in our house with Ma, I had a couple incidents. I woke up in the middle of the night with this weird feeling. While I was in that half-awake half-asleep state, I looked over across from Beast and saw something standing in the doorway. Tall. Dark. But couldnt make out what it was. But I wasnt necessarily scared. Its like I knew it wasnt there but it was. Yes this makes sense, shhhhhh, and listen. I fell back asleep. Not thinking much of it, it happen again a couple months later. I was driving home from school when I started to think about the thing in my door. Was I scared? Was I drunk? Was I crazy? Or should I just stop watching scary movies. I thought harder and realized- you know this has been happening for a long time. Like YEARS long time. From the earliest ages I can remember waking up and something in my room or doorway. My earliest age I can remember is around 7 years old because my brother was a newborn baby. At that age I can remember be scared out of my damn mind! Too scared to even cry for my mom. But when I did have the courage, I would get this pounding vibrating sound in my head. Then I would just wake up or something. Years would pass but I remember having it happen again multiple times. Yet I never really thought about it being connected. But that moment in my car it hit me that its the same feeling. The same image. The same pounding in my head. The same surreal feeling I had like it wasnt a dream.

After telling my husband this, he looked at me and I could tell what he was thinking,
"Oh God. This is like the part of Paranormal Activity where you are thinking if she wouldve just told him this crap before they moved in together- he was would be alive. Im going to die tonight"

Update: The Beast is still living. I havnt thrown him into a camera.


Am I a religious person? I would say yes and maybe more spiritual than anything. Go-to-church-every-sunday religious? Honestly no. But I personally dont believe you need to go to church to be religious and spiritual. I have what I believe in and that partly helps with whatever I "see" or think I "see" in those half-awake moments. Is it evil? Than why dont I feel more scared? Is it an angel? Why dont I feel that comfortable? Do I have a tumor, or need therapy? Well, I do have alot of headaches and its known my family MAY be a little on the cray cray side. For now, Ill just stick with letting it go. I dont feel like I need to call a priest so thats a good sign.

My Baby is an Alien

Today I had an ultrasound for my first the trimester tests. The hospital was gorgeous, they had the Today show on the TV, and there was valet parking... But my ultrasound tech drove me INSANE! I didnt start the whole process out very smoothly either. I almost dropped my pants thinking I wasn't big enough for the belly wand yet. I was corrected promptly.... He wouldn't stop talking about his million dollar homes and how my generation is "udderly screwed" because of our educational debt. After listening to him talk for 30 minutes about how my generation hopeless, all I could think was shut up. I just want to see my baby. I came here for you to put the ice cold gel on my belly (which you lied and said it was warmed up so you already lost my trust) swipe around your magic wand- particularly pushing on my bladder- and tell me how beautiful my alien baby is. But I politely nodded along as he talked about growing up on a texas farm, why his grass is greener than the neighbors, literally, and his ex wife (who in my opinion stayed on the farm in Texas to keep away from his inspirational speeches)

Parasite Update: She (my prediction) is growing a week ahead of schedule. She measures almost 13 weeks, and looks like me I think- If I were an alien from Pluto. We had to wait a couple minutes for her to settle down and stop flipping around. She was probably sick of him talking about his green grass too. Now that I think about- I wonder what kind of grass he was talking about..... This is Colorado after all.

I also learned that Colorado doesnt have the same humor as me. Im too much of a smart ass for my own good. I was already uncomfortable from my pants debacle, that when the doctor came in to explain my results from the ultrasound and said "looks like baby has two arms and two legs" I replied, "Oh THANK GOD"... No one found humor in that. Where is my husband that laughs inappropriately when I need him

Its ok. I think she looks a bit creepy, too. I just made sure there were no hooves. When the tech switched over the 3D and showed me this I exclaimed, "Oh God its an alien"... not even a smirk. I thought it was hilarious. 

Week 11

How far along? 11 weeks

Total weight gain: No weight yet. Lost 5 lbs actually. See my 6 pack? No? Its turned into a Keg
Maternity clothes? No.. Its rare I wear any clothes. Come back to me in a month
Stretch marks? Just ones from Gabe
Sleep: Im trying not to blame my husband for no sleep. Im trying not to blame his snoring, or twitching, or moving, or groaning, or breathing. Its just my uncomfortable stage. Right?
Best moment this week: The day I only puked once! And when I got my computer- Thanks hubby
Miss Anything? Not having to vomit every 5 seconds.
Movement: I thought so... but its too early. So its just gas. Lovely. 
Food cravings: Everything in human sight. But pizza and Peanut M&Ms and Starbucks Strawberries & Creme are on the top of the list. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Ick. I cant even be in the kitchen when Beast eats.
Gender: We are hoping a girl but we should know in a few weeks. 
Symptoms: Let see... nausea... nausea... sore hips... ligament pain... nausea... consistant hunger... and nausea
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I am fine. But ask Beast and its a much MUCH different story. I'll admit. Im more irritated lately than anything. 

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender! Then I can paint that dang room. And Christmas. It brings food. And presents... 

Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar.