Who's that standing in my door?

Would a wonderful mother write about her son on his birthday? Yes, she would... Did I? No... His birthday came and gone and I didnt even think about it. Thats just one reason why you should nominate me mother of the year, folks.  He's two. Which means terrible twos. Which means Ill be tearing my hair out but that started at 12 months. So now its just normal. And I have come to find out that its called Terrible Twos because f*&^ing nightmare doesnt start with "Ts". The Kraken has arrived.
I love my child. 

But on an upside of things, I am not 4 months along! Yahoo! And FINALLY it doesn't feel like I am hungover all day everyday. Just on the verge of starvation 24/7. Now that I said this, I will probably go puke my kidney out in an hour.

Now- In the spirit of upcoming fall and Halloween, I have some uber weirdness to share. I have considered I am having a demon child. Not only do I have dreams of getting krunk-ass-wasted and forgetting Im pregnant, but I also have dreams of my child busting out of me. Much like the horrid Twilight scene where that chamellion actress, K-stew, gives birth. And dies. However, what made me consider having a priest present during birth was that I crave raw meat. Not a steak, not a hamburger, RAW MEAT. It doesnt get more creepy than that.... Or does it? I should note that when Im pregnant weird things happen.

When Spaz was in utero, the fire detector would go off at 11am on the dot every morning. And at, no joke, 3 am..... Anyone who has ever watched a scary movie has chills. Even when I switched out new batteries, it continued to do this. Ok, so the maintenance guy said I had the batteries in backwards. Whatever. He lies. It was something else. Now with this delight, our lights go on and off on their own. I was laying in bed (and of course the beast was gone over night) when I had the urge to pee- this information is vital to the story line- so I went to our half (caveman) bath but when I went to turn on the light.. nothing. Hmm must be a dead bulb. So I went to my bath. As Im about to go to sleep, the damn bath light came on! So not a dead bulb... a dead person. Great. I thought this was a fluke but folks- it happened twice again already. So I either have a ghost that just needs to pee, or I have a punk of a spirit. Beast says hes not scared, but he gets awfully "angry" when I tell him my friend is standing next to his side of the bed. Im a sweet wife.

Im just thankful my child doesnt talk to someone named "Toby" and jumps out windows. I will not be putting cameras up. What I dont know, I maybe dont want to know. Im not sure if I believe in ghosts or not. But I just try to ignore it. In all seriousness, I think that you can create the energy yourself. If you believe it, than its there. I could talk for hours with my aunt about this- you know who you are- and people would think we are wave-smoke-in-the-air and chant sort of people. Maybe this is karma from when I was a little girl. While others were playing Princess, I used to play Witch with my Rainbow Haired friend, Jess, and I wanted a "witch book of spell" so not realizing what I was doing, I covered my Bible....... Yah... I know. Yeesh. Needless to say my grandmother had quite the talk with me.


While we are this topic of weird shit thats happen to Dani, let me tell you a story that I told my husband a while back that made him step back and say, "Uh... how has this never came up in the four years we have been together?" Last year in Georgia while we were in our house with Ma, I had a couple incidents. I woke up in the middle of the night with this weird feeling. While I was in that half-awake half-asleep state, I looked over across from Beast and saw something standing in the doorway. Tall. Dark. But couldnt make out what it was. But I wasnt necessarily scared. Its like I knew it wasnt there but it was. Yes this makes sense, shhhhhh, and listen. I fell back asleep. Not thinking much of it, it happen again a couple months later. I was driving home from school when I started to think about the thing in my door. Was I scared? Was I drunk? Was I crazy? Or should I just stop watching scary movies. I thought harder and realized- you know this has been happening for a long time. Like YEARS long time. From the earliest ages I can remember waking up and something in my room or doorway. My earliest age I can remember is around 7 years old because my brother was a newborn baby. At that age I can remember be scared out of my damn mind! Too scared to even cry for my mom. But when I did have the courage, I would get this pounding vibrating sound in my head. Then I would just wake up or something. Years would pass but I remember having it happen again multiple times. Yet I never really thought about it being connected. But that moment in my car it hit me that its the same feeling. The same image. The same pounding in my head. The same surreal feeling I had like it wasnt a dream.

After telling my husband this, he looked at me and I could tell what he was thinking,
"Oh God. This is like the part of Paranormal Activity where you are thinking if she wouldve just told him this crap before they moved in together- he was would be alive. Im going to die tonight"

Update: The Beast is still living. I havnt thrown him into a camera.


Am I a religious person? I would say yes and maybe more spiritual than anything. Go-to-church-every-sunday religious? Honestly no. But I personally dont believe you need to go to church to be religious and spiritual. I have what I believe in and that partly helps with whatever I "see" or think I "see" in those half-awake moments. Is it evil? Than why dont I feel more scared? Is it an angel? Why dont I feel that comfortable? Do I have a tumor, or need therapy? Well, I do have alot of headaches and its known my family MAY be a little on the cray cray side. For now, Ill just stick with letting it go. I dont feel like I need to call a priest so thats a good sign.

My Baby is an Alien

Today I had an ultrasound for my first the trimester tests. The hospital was gorgeous, they had the Today show on the TV, and there was valet parking... But my ultrasound tech drove me INSANE! I didnt start the whole process out very smoothly either. I almost dropped my pants thinking I wasn't big enough for the belly wand yet. I was corrected promptly.... He wouldn't stop talking about his million dollar homes and how my generation is "udderly screwed" because of our educational debt. After listening to him talk for 30 minutes about how my generation hopeless, all I could think was shut up. I just want to see my baby. I came here for you to put the ice cold gel on my belly (which you lied and said it was warmed up so you already lost my trust) swipe around your magic wand- particularly pushing on my bladder- and tell me how beautiful my alien baby is. But I politely nodded along as he talked about growing up on a texas farm, why his grass is greener than the neighbors, literally, and his ex wife (who in my opinion stayed on the farm in Texas to keep away from his inspirational speeches)

Parasite Update: She (my prediction) is growing a week ahead of schedule. She measures almost 13 weeks, and looks like me I think- If I were an alien from Pluto. We had to wait a couple minutes for her to settle down and stop flipping around. She was probably sick of him talking about his green grass too. Now that I think about- I wonder what kind of grass he was talking about..... This is Colorado after all.

I also learned that Colorado doesnt have the same humor as me. Im too much of a smart ass for my own good. I was already uncomfortable from my pants debacle, that when the doctor came in to explain my results from the ultrasound and said "looks like baby has two arms and two legs" I replied, "Oh THANK GOD"... No one found humor in that. Where is my husband that laughs inappropriately when I need him

Its ok. I think she looks a bit creepy, too. I just made sure there were no hooves. When the tech switched over the 3D and showed me this I exclaimed, "Oh God its an alien"... not even a smirk. I thought it was hilarious. 

Week 11

How far along? 11 weeks

Total weight gain: No weight yet. Lost 5 lbs actually. See my 6 pack? No? Its turned into a Keg
Maternity clothes? No.. Its rare I wear any clothes. Come back to me in a month
Stretch marks? Just ones from Gabe
Sleep: Im trying not to blame my husband for no sleep. Im trying not to blame his snoring, or twitching, or moving, or groaning, or breathing. Its just my uncomfortable stage. Right?
Best moment this week: The day I only puked once! And when I got my computer- Thanks hubby
Miss Anything? Not having to vomit every 5 seconds.
Movement: I thought so... but its too early. So its just gas. Lovely. 
Food cravings: Everything in human sight. But pizza and Peanut M&Ms and Starbucks Strawberries & Creme are on the top of the list. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Meat. Ick. I cant even be in the kitchen when Beast eats.
Gender: We are hoping a girl but we should know in a few weeks. 
Symptoms: Let see... nausea... nausea... sore hips... ligament pain... nausea... consistant hunger... and nausea
Happy or Moody most of the time: I think I am fine. But ask Beast and its a much MUCH different story. I'll admit. Im more irritated lately than anything. 

Looking forward to: Finding out the gender! Then I can paint that dang room. And Christmas. It brings food. And presents... 

Thanks Universe and ClearBlue

Some women just have this sick six sense for telling when their body has changed and they're pregnant. Some women don't even know they are until they have to crap so bad a baby shits out (this is also known as a major medical case of denial) And then there are people like me who have the universe for some assistance. Like the signs of an impending doom of the Apocalypse.

Three weeks after Sexy Beast and I moved to Georgia, our friends came to us with news that they were expecting their first child. I burst into uncontrollable tears. Tears of happiness? Maybe..... but probably not. I wasn't sure why I cried really. The next day I fell asleep in the middle of the day. Oh but Dani, you must have been tired... Tired?! I didn't have a job. I didn't have school. What on earth would I be tired from? Watching The Kardashians? But the pregnancy test was negative. I hadn't even missed a visit from my beloved Aunt Flow. However, Beast insisted that something was wrong. It was his "nicer" way of telling me I was a raging psycho monster and answers were needed before he condemned me.

So the next day he brought me home three pregnancy tests and a candy bar.

"Something is wrong with you. Pee on these expenses sticks and eat the Snickers."- Beast

POSITIVE, POSITIVE, PREGNANT, YUM (the snickers not the stick).
The next summer I was blessed with the Spaz.

But it was the summer of 2013 that I was clued in that the universe was my six sense. After months of the Beast begging me for another baby, God decided that he had enough of his whining sweet requests, and began the three signs. THREE WEEKS after moving into our new home, my little brother called me to let me know I was going to be an Aunty for the first time. Right on cue, I burst into tears. These were actual happy tears but if you knew me at all, you'd know that I don't happy cry. So that was weird. The worst part- I was in the grocery store- no no no.. I was in the Commissary! (Army Grocery Store) I was probably the 12th woman to cry in the store that week. I thought this felt a little too familiar so I took a test when I got home. Negative... But the Beast didn't miss a beat when he insisted I take another test the next day since I continued to fall asleep in the middle of conversation. Positive- Positive-Pregnant But no snickers.

That wasn't even the scary part....... I still had to tell my mom. 

So now I will finally get back to sitting on my ass and blog. Because I dont sit on this thing enough. Instead I stand and shovel food in my mouth 24/7 or Im bent over the toilet seat admiring the peach color. Funny how the miracle of growing a child makes you feel like you need to start your Will or cut out your stomach with a dull rusty spoon.Yes... Im not one of those,

"Pregnancy is a joyous miracle with the glow of a growing subtle belly.."

For me, thats bullshit. I know that some people cannot have children and I am very blessed but if bitching fat pregnant ladies offend you- go click that red "x" in your upper right corner (or left if you are cool).... This isn't a "glowing" journey in pregnancy. Im growing a parasite, folks...
*this is where I'd like to point out that I do really love my children... despite my bitching. But if you've been pregnant and have children, and have never thought to yourself "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING" then you, my reader, are a liar. 

My Son is Telepathic

Thats right. You read it. My son is telepathic. Spaz is going to be two years old in July and he is still not speaking words. BUT Spaz can understand what we are saying and we have learned his language of "no-speak-inese" by telepathy. I have come to this conclusion from a particular experience: Last night I was in the kitchen when I heard Spaz's pitter patter feet flying through the hallways. I knew he was standing in front of Sexy Beast, not because I heard him talk, but because I heard Beast say;

"What do you need help with?"- Beast. I heard nothing come from Spaz's voice box. Yet then I heard:
"What is in your room that you need help with?"-Beast. ALOT of these moments happen in our house since Spaz isnt saying words yet (other than Mama, Dadda, and Bella- my moms mutt)
 

How did the Beast know that Spaz needed help in his room? Could it be that EVERY time Spaz plays with his bus, he rips the door off like a maniac with over stimulated adrenaline?

Could it be that Spaz just came out of his room and came straight to dad?

Could it be that my dropping of the cell phone on Spaz's head as a newborn create a telepathic snap in his brain?

So at Spaz's 24 month check up, when Dr. Anderson asks if he is saying words yet, Ill say,

Buts its ok. He is telepathic. And thats just more fun.

Now onto what my cousin, Ali, is waiting for. Yes, we bought a house. Crazy? Maybe. But it feels SO good to say, this is my home. I can do whatever I want to it. PLEASE pipes dont burst. Rats and bugs stay away! But it has been great. I did have a few lot of melt downs the first weekend of painting, however. NONE of the paints I chose turned out to be the same color that dried on the can. NONE. But thank the heavens above they grew on me and I like them. Another awesome plus- we have hardwood under our carpet! It was exciting but if you ask the Beast about ripping up the carpet, his eye starts twitching and he starts to swear uncontrolably. My son is telepathic and my husband has turrettes.

The house is a 5 bedroom 2 1/2 bath (master, Gabe's room, Army/baby room upstairs and other two rooms downstairs. We call them Mandy's room and grandma's room) with a huge backyard (roses, raspberries, and bulb bushes included!) and a finished basement (mancave for the Beast. Or if you are me than you just call it- the cave. For his inner neanderthal)

So here are some pictures...


Gabe's Details



Living Room

Living Room Details

Gabe's room

Master Room



Dining Room

Well there will be more to come... Still need to get dining chairs and put our dining room together. Also, we need a rug for the living room. Oy... And ya ya.. i will get back to that challenge.. I live with turrettes and telepathy. Give me a break. 

 

 

 

Life's a Beach.. Deal with it.

Hmm Day 8- What are your three passions?

Do yoga pants and spongebob count? If I was my husband I would say.. Call of Duty. Im sure after he reads this he will look at me and say, "yah yah"... (we dont like to say shut up in this house so Yah Yah is our nice way of putting it)

Hmm.. One passion would be of course my family. Its been my greatest achievement so far. 5 years ago, if you were to tell me that I would be a family girl now, I would have laughed at you and bought you a shot. Now its rare to even see me drink... I have no time I feel like. But my babies are my life. Dont tell anyone but I look forward to expanding my little monster house. Just waiting for a good time. A "good time" was 6 months ago for Beast. I think he would be singing a different off-key-tune if he had to carry 50 extra pounds for 10 months then push that sucker out of something that should never have something that big pop out. He whines when he gets a sun burn.

Hmm.. another passion is pinning getting inspiration for my fix ups. I like doing everything myself. Im a DIY-er. So far I have made Spaz a bench, a toy box that looks like a treasure chest, and fixed up a dresser to a bright fun statement piece in his room. Once I have my own house, I will be renovating it myself (with the help of some professionals here and there. Gotta give them something to do so they arent sitting at work bored) I like attempting to be one of those super moms I hate so much. Its a complicated relationship.

Hmm.. my last passion is oddly enough- the journey of becoming a mom. I tell my friends and family all the time that I want to delivery a baby myself so bad. I love when my friends and family members come to me with a pregnancy or new mother question. It makes me feel like maybe Im doing something right in this department. Now Im not saying I know it all-Though I feel like I do when talking to the Beast. There is plenty that I haven't experienced or didnt read about or didnt learn in school. But then Ill refer you to someone else or ask my go-to nurse mom. So keep the gross and disgusting questions about what in the hell is coming out of you coming my way. Un-nurse Dani is here!

On a side note, we took our last trip to the beach today.. Sad Face!! (the picture above is of me telling Beast to stop being inappropriate)



I was excited and self-concious because I love the beach but I also had donuts on top chocolate all night and day. Its been almost two years since iv been in a decent bikini. It was around 80 at Hilton Head, South Caroline and beautiful. Be jealous Minnesota friends.. be jealous.


However, we all got burnt!! Mother of the year award, folks. Yes, I did put sunscreen on my Spaz but he managed to get burnt in random spots, including the bags under his eyes, his cheeks (not the ones grandma squeezes), and his EYEBALLS. WHO THE HELL gets their EYEBALLS burnt? I feel awful! He looks like a good combo of crack baby meets allergies. He looks like he's been sitting in a circle down in Eric Foreman's basement...  What do I even do for my poor baby? I just kept snuggling him and saying sorry...

I think Spaz had the most fun, though. The waves were huge but they were no much for the Beast-in-training. He kicked every last wave's ass and took its name! One knocked him flat on his face but he stood tall and proud screaming "I will have my revenge on thy H2O!!" On our way back up to where everyone was sitting, two pairs of boobs in bikinis walked by. Spaz did a double take and like the male he is, immediately started chasing after them. Luckily they were very nice and said hello. But when they walked away, Spaz didnt follow me like I hoped for. No. My little "man" followed them all the way down the beach. Dont worry- mom was right behind him. As I always will. Forever. Remember that little ladies... Remember.

Spaz also was enlightened to the wonderful cuisine of sand. Lovely, salty, sand. I never thought I'd have to say, "Spaz, Stop eating the beach!" 47 times in 10 mins. Even after denying him his delectable sand, and third wheeling his hunt for babes, he still loves his mama. And gave me plenty of salty kisses to remind me.

                                                Until Next Time.. xoxo

Day 7

Ok so its more like day 15.. Id like to blame my 3 week headache. Or the moving. Or the Georgia weather. Or Snooki. But there's really no excuse. I have not kept up... at all... But I promise when you find out the surprise, you'll understand why I have been busy. Well, some of you will.

Day 7: What is your dream job and why.

My own reality TV show. Wouldnt that be just easy? I get paid to just... do nothing. I could get spray tans, have a huge ass, and date rich duece bags that we love to hate. Oh wait. Thats already covered by The Kardashians. As much as I want to hate them, I LOVE that show. Its my guilty pleasure. I admit it. For shame.

I have wanted to be so many things. A lawyer, a stunt car driver, a singer, a personal shopper, a pediatrician, and even a plastic surgeon- that was mainly because my mom really wanted a boob job. Who wouldnt want a free boob job?

But Id have to say my fantasy dream job would be an actress on a popular TV show. I think it would be alot of fun. Id want to play a sci-fi character or be on a good comedy sit com.. something like Supernatural or Rules of Engagement.

My realistic dream job: a midwife. I want to be there for women and men from preconception to babies two week check up. One day I want to actually delivery a baby. I was going to school while Beast was deployed. I was starting my pre-nursing classes. Its hard because I want to be a nurse in the L&D department but at the same time I want to be home with my babies while they are babies. I know that I should go to school now and do it while im young.. but then why do I have this ache inside when I think about not being home with them? I feel guilty though like Im letting society (aka my mother) down by not going to school for nursing. I do already have a degree you know. Its a 2 year in Human Resources. I want to work. I tried looking for a job in the area, but I have had no such luck so far. Maybe Im just ment to be at home with my kids until they are in school. What is more important? I like being a stay at home mom but then why do I feel guilty about it?

Aww... life. What a rush.

What is your dream job? What has stopped you from attaining them? I think Beast's dream job would be a professional baseball player... I wouldnt mind that uniform either on him. Just saying.